I am not quite conscious of my fear of being vulnerable to pain.
I have this self-image of being strong and having an ability to leap head-first into relationships without fear but lately I have begun to doubt this idea.
I caught up with my good friend O the other night for drinks and we analyzed me again. Such self-analysis borders on narcissism sometimes, but I don't really care. I always find little nuggets of truth about myself and such self-discovery is to me worth more than feeling a little arrogant.
Anyway, O believes that I have always played it safe when it comes to relationships, and I can see what he means. I have almost always gone with a sure thing when dating, and the exceptions to the rule would be the boy and my high school 'sweetheart', both of whom I had to take a gamble on. Even the scientist was a safe bet. These are boys with whom I will be in control of the relationship and thus have the ability to avoid getting hurt. And I never did it consciously.
With SF, well... I feel like it is crazy that anyone like him is interested in me. I feel almost like he is out of my league. When I explained this to O his eyes widened. Since the boy and I ended things he has been on my case to find someone who challenges me and who I have to take a gamble on. I adore O... who told me to just go for it with SF. Why am I holding back, he asked.
To be honest, it is because I don't want to overkill whatever it is that is between SF and I. I don't want to cling, I don't want anyone to feel trapped, I don't want to put anyone in a cage and label them boyfriend... because I don't want to feel trapped, caged, and labeled. I just want someone I can be with, who makes me happy and who I can make happy. And I am afraid that if I just 'go for it' with SF while he is in Europe, then that is what will happen and neither of us will be happy then.
But then again, maybe that won't happen. Perhaps this is a leap of faith worth taking.
And yes, I am moving back in with my parents. I am one of those college kids.
Before and after:
I swiffered my room and it felt amazing. My room is wayyy cleaner than it was (it had accumulated four years of dust from me not really living here. Even in the summer when I was sort of living here... That doesn't really count.
In other news, SF is in Greece and has been emailing me every chance he has. :) It's nice to know he is thinking about me because I think about him a lot too. I hope this doesn't end up like the scientist.
Speaking of the scientist, most awkward things happened the other day. I needed to get my bike lock off my bike (minus the key) so I asked him to help. He had to ask for my number again which means he deleted it after I broke things off, how lame is that?! And then when he was over he asked me if he could still come on the interior/backcountry camping trip that BFF and myself go on every year with a few friends. I was like are you kidding? But I was caught off-guard and had been drinking heavily the night before, so I mumbled something that he took as a 'yes' which annoyed me to no end. I can't see him again or I will want to shoot myself in the face.
The reason I was drinking heavily the night before was because it was my last night out in my university town. I can't believe it's over. It was a fantastic final night though, I ran into junior and the sexual chemistry is still there. I'm not sure that is something that will leave. We danced a lot together and he kept stopping telling me that "he couldn't do this" because he was "seeing someone". I thought we were just dirty dancing but apparently that really had an effect on him. I was also heavily intoxicated at the time which probably didn't help, the dancing gets pretty slutty when I'm feeling that way. I felt bad for two seconds and moved on with my life. Junior and I will be friends in the future but nothing more.
I am still in a little bit of disbelief that this is it, that I am done with university forever. I know it will hit me once I have written my RN licensing exam, but that won't happen til early June. So I have about a month to let it sink in... we'll see how I deal. I think I'm done here for the night, I'm exhausted. This post has been the most rambly ever. I will do that random 8 facts thing... later. Tomorrow, most likely.
I have spent nearly every waking moment of the past 3 weeks with SF, trying to cram in as many hours of hang time with him before he left for Europe... which he did today. And I'm trying not to be all Debbie Downer about it because we both knew it was coming but I didn't expect to enjoy his company all that much either and it turns out I really do. In addition to having mind-blowing sex. I don't exaggerate.
I just feel so strange, so hopeful and excited in a romantic way but so single at the same time.
He drove 50 minutes to see me on Friday night and we stayed awake all night and I helped him get ready for his trip the next day by helping him shop for gear at MEC downtown. I had a blast every second. I am pretty sure he is thinking along the same lines. Before he left we talked and agreed to not be anything right now so that neither of us feels trapped or anything while apart, but we are definitely hanging out when he gets back (before I leave... we won't even have 2 weeks to do so, heh).
:) I already can't wait for that moment... how sappy am I right now? I hate that I am bummed out about his leaving.
So, I met SF through his ex. As in, while they were still dating, and while I was still with the boy, and things were good between all of us. I thoroughly enjoyed their company as a couple. They were great together.
It was funny because the other night somebody asked how we knew each other and he grinned and deflected the question towards me, and I blurted out "dragon boat" because that was how I first met him, when his ex brought him to watch one of our regattas. The person said "oh, cool, I didn't know you did dragon boat", and he goes "I don't." Haha, how awkward, the unanswered question just sort of hung there between all three of us.
Last night after we finished our nighttime 'activities' hehehe, we were lying there laughing about something and all of a sudden his computer made a noise and he looked up and it was his ex messaging him. Haha the most awkward.
But both of these moments were just... normal, nothing weird, nothing to freak out about, because he's super chilled out and I guess I am or can be too :)
I am thoroughly enjoying his company. :( Last night with him tonight before he moves home (1h20mins away from my home)! Boo urns to THAT.
Have you ever been skinny dipping?
Yes. My first time was two years ago when I went camping with my friends from high school... this was when I first discovered the glorious feeling of swimming naked.
My most memorable time was skinny dipping in Lake Placid last April. It was still half-frozen (i.e. from where we got in the water we could see the ice line)... the most invigorating way to start your day!
I have been spending time with SF.
And he is amazing in bed and I can't get enough of him, either in bed or just hanging out with him. I hope I am not jinxing things by writing about it in here. But I can't help it.
We did it 4 times yesterday alone. I'm not sure we would have stopped if we hadn't gotten hungry and got up to make food.
He's a lot of fun to hang out with but I will leave it at that. I haven't really thought about where it will go, etc., but haven't really wanted to think about it. I just want to enjoy the moments.
More on this later I suppose? I am packing to leave this university town and move home and I am not looking forward to going through all the crap I have to throw out :(
You know that part, where I said I was going to meet someone, and date them without falling into bed immediately with them?
Wow, that really didn't happen.
I actually just got home. From an amazing time. With an adorable, incredible boy, whom I shall name... SF (see the following story). And the thing about SF is, he makes me laugh my ass off. Last semester we played squash and badminton and actually just spent the entire time laughing. It was actually the most fun I'd had in a while. I didn't see too much of him this semester... the both of us were busy with school and all, but we randomly decided to go drinking last night.
And I went to his house afterwards to play Street Fighter 2 (World Warrior, not Turbo) [..hence the name SF] and I actually beat him a few times (miraculously). We wrestled. It was gloriously fun.
And after things settled down and I got tired, at about 4am, he held my hand and made me laugh. And then cuddled me. And then brought me to his bed. (The noisiest bed known to exist). I just adored the intimacy of it all. I don't really know what is going to happen. My mind raced with questions afterwards (and before, and during) and I don't have any of the answers and I am trying to squash all my questions and fears before they overwhelm me.
Anyway, we are supposed to see a movie later this week when I get back from this big conference I am going to. Oi. Wish a gal luck!
I want to be careful to avoid dating for the purpose of filling a void in my life.
I am not going to lie, most of the time I love being single. I love that I don't have to call anyone, that I have no commitments to anyone but myself and I love the time I have to myself. It's a selfish life sometimes but I enjoy it as much as I can.
But there are these moments. These teeny, tiny, pockets of time during which I do wish I could be in a relationship with someone I could love. Who would be, in some sense, right for me. I don't know what that word means anymore. I feel like I don't know what would be right for me anymore. I had all these demands, this list, but that is not how I began any of my previous relationships.
I am tired of dating people who fit the list but are so incredibly wrong for me (which is what happened with the scientist). I am tired of only seeing the superficial things about people (i.e. career, financial status, etc.) and dating them based on these criteria. Fuck that. I want to know who people are before jumping into bed with them. (And before discovering that they are incredibly skilled and more than tolerable as lovers when your only conversation is dirty, and then having to debate breaking up with them because 'the sex is so good!')
All I am saying is that I feel like I am ready to meet someone and date them without falling into bed immediately with them, because all that does is fuck with my thoughts. All I do know is that it sucks to find out people aren't who you thought they were after you've slept with them and shared the most physically intimate parts of yourselves. I'm done with that phase of my life (hopefully). Let's just hope my hormones remember this train of thought after a few drinks in the presence of some incredibly sexy men.
I am exhausted.
I am also frustrated in both my personal and professional life.
Personally, I am annoyed by all the assumptions that people make in life. I acted friendly towards a male friend of mine (the same way I always did), and all of a sudden this became misconstrued for romantic interest and he is now giving me the cold shoulder, I presume in an effort to deter me from my supposed affections. I don't have time for immaturity like this. Get over yourself. I'm just being friendly. I am not interested in romance at this point in my life.
Professionally, I had a rough night at the hospital. I was supposed to be shadowing on labour and delivery last night. I helped with one natural delivery at around 9:30pm. Afterwards I was not allowed into the next delivery because it was so crowded in the room and the birth became a little complicated. The nurse I was shadowing told me to go for break early because I was looking pretty pale and was feeling exhausted. I went to go lie down. She came in at 3am and told me to keep sleeping despite the fact that someone was giving birth. I got sent home early.
I came home and felt pissed off with myself and the whole situation for about an hour and a half. I am still not too happy about the way that went. I am completely turned off by labour and delivery and don't even want to think about working in that sector of the hospital. I don't understand why the nurses there were so unfriendly. I felt useless and ignored the entire time I was there. Fuck.
The older generation of nurses shouldn't complain about being short-staffed when they treat students and potential new workers like shit when they come on the ward. No, I have not nursed for 20+ years the way you have, so no, I don't know my way around your unit and no, I don't know what you normally do here. How am I supposed to learn when none of you are friendly or even make the slightest concession to notice me? Get outta here.
What have you tried in life that you just weren't very good at?
Haha, this could be a whole number of things. Basketball - I'm terrible at basketball. I don't know what it is, I just lack the coordination for it.
The other thing I'm pretty bad at are multiple-choice tests. I'm terrible at taking exams and tests. I just get so nervous. And I don't enjoy learning information that way. I'd rather write essays and apply what I've learned, or learn through experience, than learn by being tested.
I'll have to learn to be good at them though... with my RN exam coming up in June. (Two more weeks of classes, then I'm done with my undergraduate degree!)
I'm also terrible at chemistry. In high school it was by far my worst subject. I'm also not good at maths that don't have a practical application, like calculus. If I don't understand the point of it I won't do well... haha :) I do well at things I enjoy though, and I'm pretty open to trying everything!
