Hi, I'm claud

The Path to Independence

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:25:33 -0400

I find it difficult to try to explain to my parents the reasons behind my decision not to apply to graduate school next year.

My plan has always been to continue my education after university. In more recent years I planned to do bedside nursing for a year and then take off for graduate studies.

After finishing fourth year, and becoming involved with my local professional organization, I'm not so sure. Long story short, I feel that to pursue further education in the field I am interested in (health policy), and for me to develop meaning and passion in that field, I need to first understand the role of the health care professional. I don't think a year as a nurse in an acute care setting is sufficient.

Tonight when I first broached the subject with my mother, her first reaction was negative. She actually said to me "I don't think it's a good idea. I think you should get all your education done now." I tried to give her my reasons and rationale but instead she simply shook her head and ignored all that I had just said. Following that, she expressed her disappointment that I sounded like I didn't even want her opinion, that I was just telling her about my decision. My father, a few days earlier, was not much more supportive.

I am still reeling that my mother said that to me, and that my father was not supportive of my personal decision. Here I am, 22 years old, and nearly completely independent in my thinking. Even when I have asked my parents advice this year, I have accepted their advice exactly as it is. Advice... mine to take or leave. And if I leave it, I don't feel bad. This is the real essence of advice and suggestions, at least in my humble opinion. They are not final decisions that someone makes for you, they are options that someone may bring up for you.

At this point in my life, it is strange to me that it is no longer earth-shattering when my parents disagree with a decision I make in my life. When I was younger, this would be enough to make me change course, but I'm done doing things in my life strictly to my parents' whim. When I attended convocation on Friday, it was for my parents. Look, here I am, the first person in our family to graduate university.

It has struck me that finishing university and receiving my baccalaureate was something that I started to do partially for them. And so I have come to the point where I am finished making choices for them, to please them. I don't feel remorse for this new way of thinking and I don't think I should. It is my life, not theirs, and I will live it the way I choose to.

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On Marriage and Labels

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 22:05:32 -0400

I have known for a long time now that I am not a fan of labels. In every relationship that has mattered to me (and I really only consider there being two, my high school 'sweetheart' and the boy), I have always disliked using the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

Let me clarify that I am not opposed to these labels in use by other people.

But personally, I feel that the terms just don't do justice to what I felt when I was with these people. For me, the time I spent with these people and the things we did were far outside what comes to mind when the term boyfriend is then applied. I never became comfortable calling my high school sweetheart my boyfriend, and I didn't like to use the term on the boy, either.

When I was dating the scientist, and I heard him introduce me as his girlfriend, I was horrified. My biggest fear when being with someone is that they want to somehow pronounce ownership of you. O and I were discussing the fine line between taking pride in your partner and trying to have possession of them. It's easily crossed. I have dated more than one guy where I have felt like a trophy, something to be shown off with pride.

With marriage, I am beginning to have the opinion that it is just another label that I don't want to have. I haven't been witness to too many happy marriages. What I have seen is a lot of marriages that stay together not because people are happy together, but because well, they're "married". It's a contract of sorts, isn't it? Some would call it a formal commitment to each other.

In my mind though, there is something beautiful about choosing to be with someone and wanting to be with someone without having to be with them. With the boy, we went through this period right before we broke up where neither of us was happy because both of us weren't sure if we still wanted to be together. And we stayed together and stuck it out for months, because we had said things like forever, and the rest of our lives, and we didn't know that our feelings about those words could change as we became different people. The worst thing about that whole period was that we both stuck it out because on some strange level we thought we had to.

And how awful, how weighty would that obligation feel, how heavy would that burden be if you signed a contract?

I don't want someone to be with me because they have to. I don't want someone to work out differences and fights and all that jazz because we signed a contract saying we are bound for life because nothing is ever that certain. I am not sure that 50 years from now I will still want to be with the kind of person I want to be with right now. If that happened, it would be fantastic. But I don't want to bind someone to me for life. I want to know that they want to be with me not simply because they have to.

It is not that I am afraid of labels like marriage and 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'. It is that I do not believe that they are enough.

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Privacy

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:44:14 -0400

This morning I was reading a quote from Emily Gould on her experiences in the blog world and difficulties establishing boundaries. The thing that struck me most was that I used to be like that.

When I was in high school, blogging (but we called it scribbling) became a part of my daily routine. I started my own blog on the now-defunct scribble.nu and updated it almost daily. My readers were my friends, but I also gained a lot of followers on the Internet and through the blogging community on scribble. When I look back at those entries that I was able to archive (I lost a huge amount of them when scribble went down without warning), I am mostly amazed that I was able to write so candidly about my life as it happened.

Everything got recorded, from who I was hanging out with to my feelings on the boys I was dating at the time. Scribble had a convenient password-protection system, which was really nice. When I wanted to write something for only a few friends, I was able to do so.

I am not sure what started to change about that. When scribble got shut down about 3/4 of the way through high school, I didn't want to resurrect a blog elsewhere. It didn't feel right, even though I tried a few times, but I soon lost interest. I lost interest in having everyone know the intimate details of my life, people who didn't really bother to try to be my friend in real life.

But I began to develop this itch to write somewhere, to express myself, and I discovered livejournal. Those entries are still up for viewing, most of them public. They can be viewed here. I am not sure why I am linking this now, I have until now wanted to keep Vox completely separate, but I'm not sure that can be done. When I started using livejournal, I decided I didn't want to use blogs as a record of my daily life, but rather, of my thoughts. I think that is when the first change in my writing happened.

So I would record things sporadically in there, only when I felt like it, and I tried really hard to keep the events in my personal life separate. I tried to avoid writing about friendships and relationships and instead focused my writing on my thoughts, dreams, and aspirations. Sounds cheesy, but that was really what I aimed for.

Here, on Vox, I have suddenly become afraid of someone reading all that I have written here. The thing is, I want everything on here to be public. I like what I have written here, the record of my thoughts and feelings. But I am afraid, too, of crossing the line. Have I shared too much about the relationships I've had in the past year? The people I have developed relationships with? Is their privacy on the line? I've tried to protect them by using false names but I'm not sure how far that will carry. How do your significant others feel about your writing about them on the internet?

I'm not sure how my relationships would feel. Thus follows my decision to remove the pictures of myself. I feel like I want these entries to remain separate from who I am in my daily life. I want these thoughts to be separate from the life I am living, the things I do every day. It's hard to draw the line and see clearly but I am giving it a shot... we shall see how it goes.

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Denial

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:05:47 -0400

I need to stop denying that SF and I are anything more than friends. Because we are everything more than just friends.

The problem is, once I accept that we are more than friends, that he means more to me than just the possibility of hanging out and getting laid, it opens up a world of emotions, a whole Pandora's box of feelings that I have closed myself off to since the boy. It opens me up to fears that I haven't dealt with or faced and it opens me up to the idea that I can be hurt again. It forces me to realize that in order to really be with someone, I'm going to have to open myself up to feeling things again.

He's been in Europe for three weeks now and I don't feel like there has been any huge distance between us. He emails me at every opportunity, calls me maybe once a week, and sent me a birthday card that he made for me from Greece. He has started to mean more to me than just a friend, or just a guy I want to date. And this, I am afraid of.

The one thought that constantly recirculates in my mind is a fear that he is not over his most recent ex, someone I was friends with for many years and someone I truly admire. He has been with someone even I consider amazing, and yet how must I compare? Is it justified to compare and can one even do it? Is it like asking me if he is better than the boy? I can't compare him to the boy because they are so different. Because I, right now, am so different from who I was when I met and was with the boy. I wonder if it is the same on his part; that he is a different person, and that I am so different from his ex and my friend that you cannot compare us. But when I look at her, the one he loved last, I am struck mostly by how similar I think we are and I remember how similar we were when we were closer. It's unnerving.

By denying that I am interested in him as being more than just a good time, I am able to keep these thoughts and fears at bay. Accepting that he means more to me than that, well... it carries with it a whole host of consequences that I am going to have to deal with. Hm.

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Leap of faith

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Sun, 04 May 2008 10:41:09 -0400

I am not quite conscious of my fear of being vulnerable to pain.

I have this self-image of being strong and having an ability to leap head-first into relationships without fear but lately I have begun to doubt this idea.

I caught up with my good friend O the other night for drinks and we analyzed me again. Such self-analysis borders on narcissism sometimes, but I don't really care. I always find little nuggets of truth about myself and such self-discovery is to me worth more than feeling a little arrogant.

Anyway, O believes that I have always played it safe when it comes to relationships, and I can see what he means. I have almost always gone with a sure thing when dating, and the exceptions to the rule would be the boy and my high school 'sweetheart', both of whom I had to take a gamble on. Even the scientist was a safe bet. These are boys with whom I will be in control of the relationship and thus have the ability to avoid getting hurt. And I never did it consciously.

With SF, well... I feel like it is crazy that anyone like him is interested in me. I feel almost like he is out of my league. When I explained this to O his eyes widened. Since the boy and I ended things he has been on my case to find someone who challenges me and who I have to take a gamble on. I adore O... who told me to just go for it with SF. Why am I holding back, he asked.

To be honest, it is because I don't want to overkill whatever it is that is between SF and I. I don't want to cling, I don't want anyone to feel trapped, I don't want to put anyone in a cage and label them boyfriend... because I don't want to feel trapped, caged, and labeled. I just want someone I can be with, who makes me happy and who I can make happy. And I am afraid that if I just 'go for it' with SF while he is in Europe, then that is what will happen and neither of us will be happy then.

But then again, maybe that won't happen. Perhaps this is a leap of faith worth taking.

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Unpacking...

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Fri, 02 May 2008 00:14:06 -0400

And yes, I am moving back in with my parents. I am one of those college kids.

Before and after:

I enjoy the feeling of a clean room. I doubt you can see from these photos... but I got rid of a lot of stuff. I was a pack rat as a teenager. I hung on to EVERYTHING. I am trying to let go of needing objects to remind me of things. Trying to de-clutter my life basically. I still have a pile of papers to sort through tomorrow and re-do my professional profile (basically a portfolio of papers and evaluations that I have accumulated over four years of university.)

I swiffered my room and it felt amazing. My room is wayyy cleaner than it was (it had accumulated four years of dust from me not really living here. Even in the summer when I was sort of living here... That doesn't really count.

In other news, SF is in Greece and has been emailing me every chance he has. :) It's nice to know he is thinking about me because I think about him a lot too. I hope this doesn't end up like the scientist.

Speaking of the scientist, most awkward things happened the other day. I needed to get my bike lock off my bike (minus the key) so I asked him to help. He had to ask for my number again which means he deleted it after I broke things off, how lame is that?! And then when he was over he asked me if he could still come on the interior/backcountry camping trip that BFF and myself go on every year with a few friends. I was like are you kidding? But I was caught off-guard and had been drinking heavily the night before, so I mumbled something that he took as a 'yes' which annoyed me to no end. I can't see him again or I will want to shoot myself in the face.

The reason I was drinking heavily the night before was because it was my last night out in my university town. I can't believe it's over. It was a fantastic final night though, I ran into junior and the sexual chemistry is still there. I'm not sure that is something that will leave. We danced a lot together and he kept stopping telling me that "he couldn't do this" because he was "seeing someone". I thought we were just dirty dancing but apparently that really had an effect on him. I was also heavily intoxicated at the time which probably didn't help, the dancing gets pretty slutty when I'm feeling that way. I felt bad for two seconds and moved on with my life. Junior and I will be friends in the future but nothing more.

I am still in a little bit of disbelief that this is it, that I am done with university forever. I know it will hit me once I have written my RN licensing exam, but that won't happen til early June. So I have about a month to let it sink in... we'll see how I deal. I think I'm done here for the night, I'm exhausted. This post has been the most rambly ever. I will do that random 8 facts thing... later. Tomorrow, most likely.

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Bummer

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 00:29:03 -0400

I have spent nearly every waking moment of the past 3 weeks with SF, trying to cram in as many hours of hang time with him before he left for Europe... which he did today. And I'm trying not to be all Debbie Downer about it because we both knew it was coming but I didn't expect to enjoy his company all that much either and it turns out I really do. In addition to having mind-blowing sex. I don't exaggerate.

I just feel so strange, so hopeful and excited in a romantic way but so single at the same time.

He drove 50 minutes to see me on Friday night and we stayed awake all night and I helped him get ready for his trip the next day by helping him shop for gear at MEC downtown. I had a blast every second. I am pretty sure he is thinking along the same lines. Before he left we talked and agreed to not be anything right now so that neither of us feels trapped or anything while apart, but we are definitely hanging out when he gets back (before I leave... we won't even have 2 weeks to do so, heh).

:) I already can't wait for that moment... how sappy am I right now? I hate that I am bummed out about his leaving.

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Awkward!

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:15:20 -0400

So, I met SF through his ex. As in, while they were still dating, and while I was still with the boy, and things were good between all of us. I thoroughly enjoyed their company as a couple. They were great together.

It was funny because the other night somebody asked how we knew each other and he grinned and deflected the question towards me, and I blurted out "dragon boat" because that was how I first met him, when his ex brought him to watch one of our regattas. The person said "oh, cool, I didn't know you did dragon boat", and he goes "I don't." Haha, how awkward, the unanswered question just sort of hung there between all three of us.

Last night after we finished our nighttime 'activities' hehehe, we were lying there laughing about something and all of a sudden his computer made a noise and he looked up and it was his ex messaging him. Haha the most awkward.

But both of these moments were just... normal, nothing weird, nothing to freak out about, because he's super chilled out and I guess I am or can be too :)

I am thoroughly enjoying his company. :( Last night with him tonight before he moves home (1h20mins away from my home)! Boo urns to THAT.

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QotD: Here's the Skinny...

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 20:43:52 -0400

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yes. My first time was two years ago when I went camping with my friends from high school... this was when I first discovered the glorious feeling of swimming naked.

My most memorable time was skinny dipping in Lake Placid last April. It was still half-frozen (i.e. from where we got in the water we could see the ice line)... the most invigorating way to start your day!

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Relaxing

nobody@vox.com(claud) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 17:01:49 -0400

I have been spending time with SF.

And he is amazing in bed and I can't get enough of him, either in bed or just hanging out with him. I hope I am not jinxing things by writing about it in here. But I can't help it.

We did it 4 times yesterday alone. I'm not sure we would have stopped if we hadn't gotten hungry and got up to make food.

He's a lot of fun to hang out with but I will leave it at that. I haven't really thought about where it will go, etc., but haven't really wanted to think about it. I just want to enjoy the moments.

More on this later I suppose? I am packing to leave this university town and move home and I am not looking forward to going through all the crap I have to throw out :(

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