5 posts tagged “faith leap”

I am not quite conscious of my fear of being vulnerable to pain.

I have this self-image of being strong and having an ability to leap head-first into relationships without fear but lately I have begun to doubt this idea.

I caught up with my good friend O the other night for drinks and we analyzed me again. Such self-analysis borders on narcissism sometimes, but I don't really care. I always find little nuggets of truth about myself and such self-discovery is to me worth more than feeling a little arrogant.

Anyway, O believes that I have always played it safe when it comes to relationships, and I can see what he means. I have almost always gone with a sure thing when dating, and the exceptions to the rule would be the boy and my high school 'sweetheart', both of whom I had to take a gamble on. Even the scientist was a safe bet. These are boys with whom I will be in control of the relationship and thus have the ability to avoid getting hurt. And I never did it consciously.

With SF, well... I feel like it is crazy that anyone like him is interested in me. I feel almost like he is out of my league. When I explained this to O his eyes widened. Since the boy and I ended things he has been on my case to find someone who challenges me and who I have to take a gamble on. I adore O... who told me to just go for it with SF. Why am I holding back, he asked.

To be honest, it is because I don't want to overkill whatever it is that is between SF and I. I don't want to cling, I don't want anyone to feel trapped, I don't want to put anyone in a cage and label them boyfriend... because I don't want to feel trapped, caged, and labeled. I just want someone I can be with, who makes me happy and who I can make happy. And I am afraid that if I just 'go for it' with SF while he is in Europe, then that is what will happen and neither of us will be happy then.

But then again, maybe that won't happen. Perhaps this is a leap of faith worth taking.

What's the biggest leap of faith you've ever had to take?

Hahaha I answered this question only because last year I answered a very similar one. The biggest leap of faith I had to take... was probably trusting the boy with my heart around this time last year.

And it's over between us but in the end, I'm glad I took that risk because now I look back and I can honestly say that on my part I tried and I don't regret anything about our relationship.

p.s. As a side note, I'm not with the scientist anymore. Long story to follow. I feel like my love life has been very adventurous in the past year and I'm proud of myself for adventuring.

I think there is something wrong with me. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't know. Every winter, I get the winter 'blues' or 'blahs' whatever you people may call it. But every year I notice it getting worse and worse. I get moments where I panic. I have moments where I just sink so deep. Unfortunately one of those moments happened tonight while I was at the Boy's house. Unfortunate. Definitely very unfortunate.

We've had enough go on these past two months that this really didn't need to happen. But it did. And he didn't know how to deal with it. He thought I was freaking out at him. But I was just having a moment of panic. What is my life? Where am I going with it? How am I going to do all these things that I need to do? What the fuck is going to happen when we go back to Hamilton tomorrow and are forced out of this little bubble that we have been living in? I'm afraid of Hamilton now. It used to be that Hamilton was my safe place but it no longer is. It's a place that holds a lot of fears for me. It's a place where I panicked and where my relationship almost ended and where I feel so alone and so dependent on him sometimes that it scares me.

I can't be dependent on him. I am so afraid of depending on other people because in the end who do you really have? Certainly not other people. Here is that leap of faith thing coming back to me again. I don't know if I have it in me to really take a leap of faith on somebody else.

And I don't know what I want at this point. I want a commitment from him. I want to know that I'm the best right now. That he doesn't think that there's anybody better out there. That I'm the one he could have the most fun with. I don't know if that's true. I don't think it is anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if we are holding on to something that we should be letting go of. And that thought terrifies me more than all the other thoughts in themselves. I don't want to think about that, to fathom that idea. What if we are? What if this is really over and I am just defying fate? Fighting it off? Can you ever really do that?

I wonder if I would be happier without him than with him. I don't know anymore. Would he be happier without me? I wonder that as well. I wish he would give me the answer to that question. I want to know that he's the happiest he could be while with me. I want want want and for the past week I've been getting those things. Those answers that I need. And tonight, for once, tonight, I didn't get them anymore. I stopped hearing all that shit. It was there for two, maybe three days and then it wasn't there anymore. What happened?

I think maybe I saw him too much. I think maybe I'm thinking too much. Fuck.

What's a leap of faith to you? Have you ever taken one?

This is crazy because this is precisely what I have been contemplating for the past few days so I felt the need to post it. A leap of faith is something you take when you can't know something for sure, when no one can know something for sure. It's what you do when you decide to believe in something like God, or Santa Claus, or love, or a certain person.

Today I decided to take a leap of faith in the Boy and in our relationship. I don't want to live out the rest of my life looking back on this relationship and wondering "what if".

How do you ever know? How do you ever know it's real... that you can trust someone not to break your heart?

The Boy and I are back together again. He made me a promise that he isn't going to see her on her own... unless it happens to be coincidentally that she's invited to the same events that he is invited to. That I can handle better than "I'm sorry, I can't give that up for you"... that he's choosing her over me.

Except right now I'm paranoid. He's not home and I know this for a fact and I'm worried that he's out with her and they're having a rockin' good time and I left on Thursday night for home which in hindsight may have been too much time for him to possibly hang out with her alone but shouldn't I be able to trust him?

Shouldn't I be able to trust him with this stuff? Granted it's only been a week since he said that to me, not even a week since he made that promise to me, but shouldn't I still be able to trust him with this?

So how do you know? How did you know it was okay to trust him? How did you know he wouldn't break your heart into pieces at a whim? How did you know? How can you know????

That's what I'm struggling to understand.