22 posts tagged “men”
I need to stop denying that SF and I are anything more than friends. Because we are everything more than just friends.
The problem is, once I accept that we are more than friends, that he means more to me than just the possibility of hanging out and getting laid, it opens up a world of emotions, a whole Pandora's box of feelings that I have closed myself off to since the boy. It opens me up to fears that I haven't dealt with or faced and it opens me up to the idea that I can be hurt again. It forces me to realize that in order to really be with someone, I'm going to have to open myself up to feeling things again.
He's been in Europe for three weeks now and I don't feel like there has been any huge distance between us. He emails me at every opportunity, calls me maybe once a week, and sent me a birthday card that he made for me from Greece. He has started to mean more to me than just a friend, or just a guy I want to date. And this, I am afraid of.
The one thought that constantly recirculates in my mind is a fear that he is not over his most recent ex, someone I was friends with for many years and someone I truly admire. He has been with someone even I consider amazing, and yet how must I compare? Is it justified to compare and can one even do it? Is it like asking me if he is better than the boy? I can't compare him to the boy because they are so different. Because I, right now, am so different from who I was when I met and was with the boy. I wonder if it is the same on his part; that he is a different person, and that I am so different from his ex and my friend that you cannot compare us. But when I look at her, the one he loved last, I am struck mostly by how similar I think we are and I remember how similar we were when we were closer. It's unnerving.
By denying that I am interested in him as being more than just a good time, I am able to keep these thoughts and fears at bay. Accepting that he means more to me than that, well... it carries with it a whole host of consequences that I am going to have to deal with. Hm.
And yes, I am moving back in with my parents. I am one of those college kids.
Before and after:
I swiffered my room and it felt amazing. My room is wayyy cleaner than it was (it had accumulated four years of dust from me not really living here. Even in the summer when I was sort of living here... That doesn't really count.
In other news, SF is in Greece and has been emailing me every chance he has. :) It's nice to know he is thinking about me because I think about him a lot too. I hope this doesn't end up like the scientist.
Speaking of the scientist, most awkward things happened the other day. I needed to get my bike lock off my bike (minus the key) so I asked him to help. He had to ask for my number again which means he deleted it after I broke things off, how lame is that?! And then when he was over he asked me if he could still come on the interior/backcountry camping trip that BFF and myself go on every year with a few friends. I was like are you kidding? But I was caught off-guard and had been drinking heavily the night before, so I mumbled something that he took as a 'yes' which annoyed me to no end. I can't see him again or I will want to shoot myself in the face.
The reason I was drinking heavily the night before was because it was my last night out in my university town. I can't believe it's over. It was a fantastic final night though, I ran into junior and the sexual chemistry is still there. I'm not sure that is something that will leave. We danced a lot together and he kept stopping telling me that "he couldn't do this" because he was "seeing someone". I thought we were just dirty dancing but apparently that really had an effect on him. I was also heavily intoxicated at the time which probably didn't help, the dancing gets pretty slutty when I'm feeling that way. I felt bad for two seconds and moved on with my life. Junior and I will be friends in the future but nothing more.
I am still in a little bit of disbelief that this is it, that I am done with university forever. I know it will hit me once I have written my RN licensing exam, but that won't happen til early June. So I have about a month to let it sink in... we'll see how I deal. I think I'm done here for the night, I'm exhausted. This post has been the most rambly ever. I will do that random 8 facts thing... later. Tomorrow, most likely.
I have spent nearly every waking moment of the past 3 weeks with SF, trying to cram in as many hours of hang time with him before he left for Europe... which he did today. And I'm trying not to be all Debbie Downer about it because we both knew it was coming but I didn't expect to enjoy his company all that much either and it turns out I really do. In addition to having mind-blowing sex. I don't exaggerate.
I just feel so strange, so hopeful and excited in a romantic way but so single at the same time.
He drove 50 minutes to see me on Friday night and we stayed awake all night and I helped him get ready for his trip the next day by helping him shop for gear at MEC downtown. I had a blast every second. I am pretty sure he is thinking along the same lines. Before he left we talked and agreed to not be anything right now so that neither of us feels trapped or anything while apart, but we are definitely hanging out when he gets back (before I leave... we won't even have 2 weeks to do so, heh).
:) I already can't wait for that moment... how sappy am I right now? I hate that I am bummed out about his leaving.
So, I met SF through his ex. As in, while they were still dating, and while I was still with the boy, and things were good between all of us. I thoroughly enjoyed their company as a couple. They were great together.
It was funny because the other night somebody asked how we knew each other and he grinned and deflected the question towards me, and I blurted out "dragon boat" because that was how I first met him, when his ex brought him to watch one of our regattas. The person said "oh, cool, I didn't know you did dragon boat", and he goes "I don't." Haha, how awkward, the unanswered question just sort of hung there between all three of us.
Last night after we finished our nighttime 'activities' hehehe, we were lying there laughing about something and all of a sudden his computer made a noise and he looked up and it was his ex messaging him. Haha the most awkward.
But both of these moments were just... normal, nothing weird, nothing to freak out about, because he's super chilled out and I guess I am or can be too :)
I am thoroughly enjoying his company. :( Last night with him tonight before he moves home (1h20mins away from my home)! Boo urns to THAT.
I have been spending time with SF.
And he is amazing in bed and I can't get enough of him, either in bed or just hanging out with him. I hope I am not jinxing things by writing about it in here. But I can't help it.
We did it 4 times yesterday alone. I'm not sure we would have stopped if we hadn't gotten hungry and got up to make food.
He's a lot of fun to hang out with but I will leave it at that. I haven't really thought about where it will go, etc., but haven't really wanted to think about it. I just want to enjoy the moments.
More on this later I suppose? I am packing to leave this university town and move home and I am not looking forward to going through all the crap I have to throw out :(
You know that part, where I said I was going to meet someone, and date them without falling into bed immediately with them?
Wow, that really didn't happen.
I actually just got home. From an amazing time. With an adorable, incredible boy, whom I shall name... SF (see the following story). And the thing about SF is, he makes me laugh my ass off. Last semester we played squash and badminton and actually just spent the entire time laughing. It was actually the most fun I'd had in a while. I didn't see too much of him this semester... the both of us were busy with school and all, but we randomly decided to go drinking last night.
And I went to his house afterwards to play Street Fighter 2 (World Warrior, not Turbo) [..hence the name SF] and I actually beat him a few times (miraculously). We wrestled. It was gloriously fun.
And after things settled down and I got tired, at about 4am, he held my hand and made me laugh. And then cuddled me. And then brought me to his bed. (The noisiest bed known to exist). I just adored the intimacy of it all. I don't really know what is going to happen. My mind raced with questions afterwards (and before, and during) and I don't have any of the answers and I am trying to squash all my questions and fears before they overwhelm me.
Anyway, we are supposed to see a movie later this week when I get back from this big conference I am going to. Oi. Wish a gal luck!
I want to be careful to avoid dating for the purpose of filling a void in my life.
I am not going to lie, most of the time I love being single. I love that I don't have to call anyone, that I have no commitments to anyone but myself and I love the time I have to myself. It's a selfish life sometimes but I enjoy it as much as I can.
But there are these moments. These teeny, tiny, pockets of time during which I do wish I could be in a relationship with someone I could love. Who would be, in some sense, right for me. I don't know what that word means anymore. I feel like I don't know what would be right for me anymore. I had all these demands, this list, but that is not how I began any of my previous relationships.
I am tired of dating people who fit the list but are so incredibly wrong for me (which is what happened with the scientist). I am tired of only seeing the superficial things about people (i.e. career, financial status, etc.) and dating them based on these criteria. Fuck that. I want to know who people are before jumping into bed with them. (And before discovering that they are incredibly skilled and more than tolerable as lovers when your only conversation is dirty, and then having to debate breaking up with them because 'the sex is so good!')
All I am saying is that I feel like I am ready to meet someone and date them without falling into bed immediately with them, because all that does is fuck with my thoughts. All I do know is that it sucks to find out people aren't who you thought they were after you've slept with them and shared the most physically intimate parts of yourselves. I'm done with that phase of my life (hopefully). Let's just hope my hormones remember this train of thought after a few drinks in the presence of some incredibly sexy men.
I am exhausted.
I am also frustrated in both my personal and professional life.
Personally, I am annoyed by all the assumptions that people make in life. I acted friendly towards a male friend of mine (the same way I always did), and all of a sudden this became misconstrued for romantic interest and he is now giving me the cold shoulder, I presume in an effort to deter me from my supposed affections. I don't have time for immaturity like this. Get over yourself. I'm just being friendly. I am not interested in romance at this point in my life.
Professionally, I had a rough night at the hospital. I was supposed to be shadowing on labour and delivery last night. I helped with one natural delivery at around 9:30pm. Afterwards I was not allowed into the next delivery because it was so crowded in the room and the birth became a little complicated. The nurse I was shadowing told me to go for break early because I was looking pretty pale and was feeling exhausted. I went to go lie down. She came in at 3am and told me to keep sleeping despite the fact that someone was giving birth. I got sent home early.
I came home and felt pissed off with myself and the whole situation for about an hour and a half. I am still not too happy about the way that went. I am completely turned off by labour and delivery and don't even want to think about working in that sector of the hospital. I don't understand why the nurses there were so unfriendly. I felt useless and ignored the entire time I was there. Fuck.
The older generation of nurses shouldn't complain about being short-staffed when they treat students and potential new workers like shit when they come on the ward. No, I have not nursed for 20+ years the way you have, so no, I don't know my way around your unit and no, I don't know what you normally do here. How am I supposed to learn when none of you are friendly or even make the slightest concession to notice me? Get outta here.
I want to fall in love with someone and grow to love them for who they are. I want to love someone's good side, and learn all about their flaws, and yet continue to love them anyway. I want to find someone who will love me in the same way.
I want to be best friends with someone and yet be in love with them and love them, all at the same time because these things all have different meanings to me. I want someone to understand that these things all have different meanings to me.
I want to fall in love with someone who gets why I love the Beatles and Lily Allen and the Libertines. I want someone who thinks of me sometimes and gets that I am not about roses or big romantic gestures, but that I love small gestures that demonstrate thoughtfulness. Like making me breakfast after a rough night writing an essay. Or sending me a quick text to say hi.
I want a lot of things but I feel like knowing what I want is more than half the battle.
I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl. I drank too much tequila too fast - I don't remember how much I drank. I stumbled off to my bed fairly early.
I spent the day in bed, unable to keep any food or liquid in my stomach for more than 10 minutes before having to run off to the bathroom again. The mother of all hangovers. Not a headache-y feeling but the worst nausea. And I couldn't even stand up without feeling it. My favourite nurses (both drinking last night with me... except I was so drunk I couldn't go to the bar last night) both called me today to make sure I was still alive.
I don't know why I do that - I felt the need to get horribly drunk last night and be completely self-destructive. It's so strange how I run from polar opposites. Sometimes I am so confident and my self-esteem skyrockets, but then I have incidences like last night where I feel so shoddy about myself that I try to self-destruct. Oh boy, did I ever.
I don't understand myself sometimes.
Tonight I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I remember the first time I ever saw it was with the boy and I remember giggling at the happy memories Joel has with Clementine, because they reminded me of the happy times I had with the boy. After watching it I felt lonely. I still feel lonely. Maybe because I see the relationship my nursing friend has with her significant other and I love them together. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who clicks with me. Who gets me.
I thought I had found that with the boy and that's why I put up with so much shit from him. Watching that movie tonight reminds me that I don't regret having dated him for so long nor do I regret it ending. It happened that way and I doubt that even if we had started again things would not be different. I love this movie. I wish I could just move on from my relationship with the boy.
It has occurred to me recently that maybe I am not over him yet and this is so frustrating. How long will it be before I stop trying to date people who are his polar opposite? Lately all I've been dating are guys with good credentials. The good on paper guys. The guys who are excelling in school, join all sorts of things, etc. I don't bother getting to know them as much as I'd rather know their credentials first. But with the boy, he caught me off guard. I knew him first. I don't do that anymore. Why?
My thoughts are everywhere tonight. I am so tired.
I looked at pictures of myself recently and I am so unhappy with my body image. I have always felt better naked than clothed but recently... I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight this year and I'm really unhappy about that. I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating healthier but that doesn't really seem to be helping much so far? I don't know how or why this has struck me now in this way.
Suffice to say that right now I am frustrated with myself in more than one way. Dammit.
