4 posts tagged “o”

I have known for a long time now that I am not a fan of labels. In every relationship that has mattered to me (and I really only consider there being two, my high school 'sweetheart' and the boy), I have always disliked using the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

Let me clarify that I am not opposed to these labels in use by other people.

But personally, I feel that the terms just don't do justice to what I felt when I was with these people. For me, the time I spent with these people and the things we did were far outside what comes to mind when the term boyfriend is then applied. I never became comfortable calling my high school sweetheart my boyfriend, and I didn't like to use the term on the boy, either.

When I was dating the scientist, and I heard him introduce me as his girlfriend, I was horrified. My biggest fear when being with someone is that they want to somehow pronounce ownership of you. O and I were discussing the fine line between taking pride in your partner and trying to have possession of them. It's easily crossed. I have dated more than one guy where I have felt like a trophy, something to be shown off with pride.

With marriage, I am beginning to have the opinion that it is just another label that I don't want to have. I haven't been witness to too many happy marriages. What I have seen is a lot of marriages that stay together not because people are happy together, but because well, they're "married". It's a contract of sorts, isn't it? Some would call it a formal commitment to each other.

In my mind though, there is something beautiful about choosing to be with someone and wanting to be with someone without having to be with them. With the boy, we went through this period right before we broke up where neither of us was happy because both of us weren't sure if we still wanted to be together. And we stayed together and stuck it out for months, because we had said things like forever, and the rest of our lives, and we didn't know that our feelings about those words could change as we became different people. The worst thing about that whole period was that we both stuck it out because on some strange level we thought we had to.

And how awful, how weighty would that obligation feel, how heavy would that burden be if you signed a contract?

I don't want someone to be with me because they have to. I don't want someone to work out differences and fights and all that jazz because we signed a contract saying we are bound for life because nothing is ever that certain. I am not sure that 50 years from now I will still want to be with the kind of person I want to be with right now. If that happened, it would be fantastic. But I don't want to bind someone to me for life. I want to know that they want to be with me not simply because they have to.

It is not that I am afraid of labels like marriage and 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'. It is that I do not believe that they are enough.

I am not quite conscious of my fear of being vulnerable to pain.

I have this self-image of being strong and having an ability to leap head-first into relationships without fear but lately I have begun to doubt this idea.

I caught up with my good friend O the other night for drinks and we analyzed me again. Such self-analysis borders on narcissism sometimes, but I don't really care. I always find little nuggets of truth about myself and such self-discovery is to me worth more than feeling a little arrogant.

Anyway, O believes that I have always played it safe when it comes to relationships, and I can see what he means. I have almost always gone with a sure thing when dating, and the exceptions to the rule would be the boy and my high school 'sweetheart', both of whom I had to take a gamble on. Even the scientist was a safe bet. These are boys with whom I will be in control of the relationship and thus have the ability to avoid getting hurt. And I never did it consciously.

With SF, well... I feel like it is crazy that anyone like him is interested in me. I feel almost like he is out of my league. When I explained this to O his eyes widened. Since the boy and I ended things he has been on my case to find someone who challenges me and who I have to take a gamble on. I adore O... who told me to just go for it with SF. Why am I holding back, he asked.

To be honest, it is because I don't want to overkill whatever it is that is between SF and I. I don't want to cling, I don't want anyone to feel trapped, I don't want to put anyone in a cage and label them boyfriend... because I don't want to feel trapped, caged, and labeled. I just want someone I can be with, who makes me happy and who I can make happy. And I am afraid that if I just 'go for it' with SF while he is in Europe, then that is what will happen and neither of us will be happy then.

But then again, maybe that won't happen. Perhaps this is a leap of faith worth taking.

This week I have been realizing how many issues I have with myself, and I have begun to realize that I do not want to be in a relationship, or date people, when even I am not okay with myself. I need to be okay before I get involved. A long chat with O this week (2 different restaurants, 5-6 hours and Second Cup)

Let's be frank. I'm definitely not over the boy yet. He did a lot of damage to me emotionally and it wasn't just the fact that he cheated rather than had the balls to tell me straight up he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was, in addition to that, the way he wore down my self-esteem, telling me that I wasn't good enough, in this way or that way. I'm angry with him, yes, for treating me like that, but more than that, I am angry with myself for having lived with it for so long and just succumbing to whatever he said. I like to think of myself as relatively intelligent and I'm really just pissed that I let him wear down my self-esteem and confidence like that. I have to deal with my anger towards myself.

It's not just that, either. For years, pretty much since the first boy I ever loved and I broke up, I have always chosen to date or be in relationships with boys who I feel (at the time) are a "safe bet". The ones who aren't going to leave me. I think why I do this is obvious. I'm scared of being the one whose heart will be broken. I think the reason I am able to be happy so soon after the boy is because I knew he wasn't right for me from the beginning. I told O this right from the start and he often reminds me that I stayed anyway, knowing he wasn't right for me.

So maybe it's my own fault that this relationship was dragged out and beaten to death before I was willing to give up. BFF says that I would have regretted not giving it my all and it's true. I just wish I had chosen to give it my all for someone who appreciated it and who was right for me at least at some point in time.

Because now, I'm tired. I'm exhausted, in fact. The thought of sharing my life with another person feels like it would be the worst possible idea simply because I had such a bad experience with it. My relationship with the boy was more like me taking care of him full-time and it was the most draining relationship experience I've ever had.

So, at the beginning of summer I proposed staying single until the end of summer. Since then I have had several boy-drama encounters, things that started up and then I decided I didn't want to date anyone, etc., etc. (Though I did end up getting some action, which made me realize that I missed the boy because we were SO good together in bed even if he was a bit on the dull side, and that porn has taught men nothing about what kind of motions women may enjoy in their nether-regions.) My new proposal (more like an addendum to my previous proposal) is that I will aim not to date anyone else for the rest of summer, but only get to know people and meet as many new people as possible.

I feel like this is going to really help me be okay with all my issues. And then when I'm okay, I will think again about dating.

I'm not even a month out of my last relationship and I. Am. So. Fucking. Horny.

You would not believe how horny I am. I've been getting action regularly for the past two and a half years. Two and a half weeks and I'm already throwing in the towel? I suck at self-control and restraint.

Restraint. How hot. I really miss the sexual part of my relationship. I don't think that has anything to do with the Boy himself and more to do with the fact that a) I'm off the pill, which is ultimately making me more horny than I've been in a year and a half, and b) I've stopped getting action.

Not to mention that I am unable to stay single for long. I irritate myself. I overanalyze and overthink, just like my good friend... let's call him 'O'. O and I think the same way and this is why we will never date and why there is zero tension between us (on my part anyway). We've already figured each other out and that makes us boring.

Anyhoo, I'm going through my old high school crushes and realizing that O was really good friends with one of my high school crushes. This guy, let's call him... A. A shares my last name and heritage and he is also really cute. I should know, I checked him out again on facebook and was going through my yearbooks when I remembered him. He also was adorable in high school. And still looks adorable. I think I want to date A.

This is making me think about a lot of things, namely, why can't I stay single? What is wrong with me? Am I afraid of being alone? But you see, that's not it. I'm not afraid of being alone. I thought I was for a long time, but I'm really not. I got over the fear of being alone when I was in high school. I realized that I don't have to be alone unless I want to be. I'm not trying to boast, but there will always be some man who finds me attractive, who I wouldn't mind being with. So what is it with me? I'm not trying to use them, or feel flattered by their interest. I honestly don't know what it is that is wrong with me. I'm certainly not completely over the Boy yet. I mean it was 2.5 years that we spent together, and I still think about him a lot. And certainly when I think about what he did to me I still become upset.

O said to me tonight, he didn't love you. And I thought about it and I guess it is kind of true. Maybe he was just infatuated with me for a really long time. How could you (the Boy) do that to someone you love? Knowing that it is what would hurt them the most. You just don't. You can't do that to someone you love. The movies and novels tell you that it's possible, but is it? Can humans really do that? Make mistakes that are that severe?

Anyway, my point is, I'm still analyzing and trying to see what went wrong with my previous relationship. Is it at all possible that less than a month later I am ready to try a new one? I'm ready certainly to meet new people and get hit on by guys and go clubbing and be single this summer, but every vow that I've ever made to stay single has never lasted. I vowed to stay single for the 12th grade and that certainly didn't happen. I vowed when that 12th grade romance ended (for the second time, I might add) I'd stay single for my first year of university. That lasted approximately a week into university and then I met the Boy.

So, my single habits don't really last too long. I'm pretty sure this one won't hold up too long. And the thing is, I'm not a dating person. I can't do it. I'm a relationship person. If I get to know you, it's probably going somewhere, and I'm probably going to want commitment, and I'm probably going to want it to be long-term. Which brings A into the picture. O and I are going to hang out with A in about a half a month's time. We'll see what happens. But if my patterns say anything about me, I'm going to be in a relationship soon if I keep meeting new people.