4 posts tagged “relationships”

I have known for a long time now that I am not a fan of labels. In every relationship that has mattered to me (and I really only consider there being two, my high school 'sweetheart' and the boy), I have always disliked using the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

Let me clarify that I am not opposed to these labels in use by other people.

But personally, I feel that the terms just don't do justice to what I felt when I was with these people. For me, the time I spent with these people and the things we did were far outside what comes to mind when the term boyfriend is then applied. I never became comfortable calling my high school sweetheart my boyfriend, and I didn't like to use the term on the boy, either.

When I was dating the scientist, and I heard him introduce me as his girlfriend, I was horrified. My biggest fear when being with someone is that they want to somehow pronounce ownership of you. O and I were discussing the fine line between taking pride in your partner and trying to have possession of them. It's easily crossed. I have dated more than one guy where I have felt like a trophy, something to be shown off with pride.

With marriage, I am beginning to have the opinion that it is just another label that I don't want to have. I haven't been witness to too many happy marriages. What I have seen is a lot of marriages that stay together not because people are happy together, but because well, they're "married". It's a contract of sorts, isn't it? Some would call it a formal commitment to each other.

In my mind though, there is something beautiful about choosing to be with someone and wanting to be with someone without having to be with them. With the boy, we went through this period right before we broke up where neither of us was happy because both of us weren't sure if we still wanted to be together. And we stayed together and stuck it out for months, because we had said things like forever, and the rest of our lives, and we didn't know that our feelings about those words could change as we became different people. The worst thing about that whole period was that we both stuck it out because on some strange level we thought we had to.

And how awful, how weighty would that obligation feel, how heavy would that burden be if you signed a contract?

I don't want someone to be with me because they have to. I don't want someone to work out differences and fights and all that jazz because we signed a contract saying we are bound for life because nothing is ever that certain. I am not sure that 50 years from now I will still want to be with the kind of person I want to be with right now. If that happened, it would be fantastic. But I don't want to bind someone to me for life. I want to know that they want to be with me not simply because they have to.

It is not that I am afraid of labels like marriage and 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'. It is that I do not believe that they are enough.

I'm head over heels for this guy.

I want him to meet my parents (which is weird in itself because I never bring boys home to meet my parents unless they are relationships haha.) I want him to meet my friends. I want to make plans with him (and we do). He comes over to my house to hang out with me (which is also weird, boys never come over to my house. Ever... mainly because I don't invite them.)

And none of this is scary. Or weird. It's just... it's just us. And it's fast, and sudden, and absolutely wonderful.

This week I have been realizing how many issues I have with myself, and I have begun to realize that I do not want to be in a relationship, or date people, when even I am not okay with myself. I need to be okay before I get involved. A long chat with O this week (2 different restaurants, 5-6 hours and Second Cup)

Let's be frank. I'm definitely not over the boy yet. He did a lot of damage to me emotionally and it wasn't just the fact that he cheated rather than had the balls to tell me straight up he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was, in addition to that, the way he wore down my self-esteem, telling me that I wasn't good enough, in this way or that way. I'm angry with him, yes, for treating me like that, but more than that, I am angry with myself for having lived with it for so long and just succumbing to whatever he said. I like to think of myself as relatively intelligent and I'm really just pissed that I let him wear down my self-esteem and confidence like that. I have to deal with my anger towards myself.

It's not just that, either. For years, pretty much since the first boy I ever loved and I broke up, I have always chosen to date or be in relationships with boys who I feel (at the time) are a "safe bet". The ones who aren't going to leave me. I think why I do this is obvious. I'm scared of being the one whose heart will be broken. I think the reason I am able to be happy so soon after the boy is because I knew he wasn't right for me from the beginning. I told O this right from the start and he often reminds me that I stayed anyway, knowing he wasn't right for me.

So maybe it's my own fault that this relationship was dragged out and beaten to death before I was willing to give up. BFF says that I would have regretted not giving it my all and it's true. I just wish I had chosen to give it my all for someone who appreciated it and who was right for me at least at some point in time.

Because now, I'm tired. I'm exhausted, in fact. The thought of sharing my life with another person feels like it would be the worst possible idea simply because I had such a bad experience with it. My relationship with the boy was more like me taking care of him full-time and it was the most draining relationship experience I've ever had.

So, at the beginning of summer I proposed staying single until the end of summer. Since then I have had several boy-drama encounters, things that started up and then I decided I didn't want to date anyone, etc., etc. (Though I did end up getting some action, which made me realize that I missed the boy because we were SO good together in bed even if he was a bit on the dull side, and that porn has taught men nothing about what kind of motions women may enjoy in their nether-regions.) My new proposal (more like an addendum to my previous proposal) is that I will aim not to date anyone else for the rest of summer, but only get to know people and meet as many new people as possible.

I feel like this is going to really help me be okay with all my issues. And then when I'm okay, I will think again about dating.

Finally something positive? Hahahaha I'm so depressing in this blog. My other one is a little more cheery but less honest. I'd rather have this to be honest with!

The Boy and I are doing fabulously as of lately. He's been great to me, I've been great to him, the relationship feels so new again. Renewed. Revitalized. It's exciting to think that just the two of us putting more effort into it could have made a change so huge and profound in the way we relate to each other. I'm excited again about my relationship and the future.

Now for the downer: SCHOOL is balls. When is summer coming? Soon? I can only hope.