13 posts tagged “scientist”

I have known for a long time now that I am not a fan of labels. In every relationship that has mattered to me (and I really only consider there being two, my high school 'sweetheart' and the boy), I have always disliked using the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

Let me clarify that I am not opposed to these labels in use by other people.

But personally, I feel that the terms just don't do justice to what I felt when I was with these people. For me, the time I spent with these people and the things we did were far outside what comes to mind when the term boyfriend is then applied. I never became comfortable calling my high school sweetheart my boyfriend, and I didn't like to use the term on the boy, either.

When I was dating the scientist, and I heard him introduce me as his girlfriend, I was horrified. My biggest fear when being with someone is that they want to somehow pronounce ownership of you. O and I were discussing the fine line between taking pride in your partner and trying to have possession of them. It's easily crossed. I have dated more than one guy where I have felt like a trophy, something to be shown off with pride.

With marriage, I am beginning to have the opinion that it is just another label that I don't want to have. I haven't been witness to too many happy marriages. What I have seen is a lot of marriages that stay together not because people are happy together, but because well, they're "married". It's a contract of sorts, isn't it? Some would call it a formal commitment to each other.

In my mind though, there is something beautiful about choosing to be with someone and wanting to be with someone without having to be with them. With the boy, we went through this period right before we broke up where neither of us was happy because both of us weren't sure if we still wanted to be together. And we stayed together and stuck it out for months, because we had said things like forever, and the rest of our lives, and we didn't know that our feelings about those words could change as we became different people. The worst thing about that whole period was that we both stuck it out because on some strange level we thought we had to.

And how awful, how weighty would that obligation feel, how heavy would that burden be if you signed a contract?

I don't want someone to be with me because they have to. I don't want someone to work out differences and fights and all that jazz because we signed a contract saying we are bound for life because nothing is ever that certain. I am not sure that 50 years from now I will still want to be with the kind of person I want to be with right now. If that happened, it would be fantastic. But I don't want to bind someone to me for life. I want to know that they want to be with me not simply because they have to.

It is not that I am afraid of labels like marriage and 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'. It is that I do not believe that they are enough.

And yes, I am moving back in with my parents. I am one of those college kids.

Before and after:

I want to be careful to avoid dating for the purpose of filling a void in my life.

I am not going to lie, most of the time I love being single. I love that I don't have to call anyone, that I have no commitments to anyone but myself and I love the time I have to myself. It's a selfish life sometimes but I enjoy it as much as I can.

But there are these moments. These teeny, tiny, pockets of time during which I do wish I could be in a relationship with someone I could love. Who would be, in some sense, right for me. I don't know what that word means anymore. I feel like I don't know what would be right for me anymore. I had all these demands, this list, but that is not how I began any of my previous relationships.

I am tired of dating people who fit the list but are so incredibly wrong for me (which is what happened with the scientist). I am tired of only seeing the superficial things about people (i.e. career, financial status, etc.) and dating them based on these criteria. Fuck that. I want to know who people are before jumping into bed with them. (And before discovering that they are incredibly skilled and more than tolerable as lovers when your only conversation is dirty, and then having to debate breaking up with them because 'the sex is so good!')

All I am saying is that I feel like I am ready to meet someone and date them without falling into bed immediately with them, because all that does is fuck with my thoughts. All I do know is that it sucks to find out people aren't who you thought they were after you've slept with them and shared the most physically intimate parts of yourselves. I'm done with that phase of my life (hopefully). Let's just hope my hormones remember this train of thought after a few drinks in the presence of some incredibly sexy men.

How did you create your username for VOX? What influenced your decision?
Submitted by Strive2Be.

Haha, it's just my nickname... what everyone calls me. I was surprised it was still available actually, since I don't have this as a username on any other site except maybe some forums.

As an aside, I've been pretty busy lately. The scientist has done nothing but annoy me from the moment I broke it off... I don't know what it is. I have been pondering lately what this says about my personality; am I a bad person to be so fickle with my feelings? Am I too hopeful at the start of relationships, only to have them fail because of flaws in the other person? Am I too picky, asking for too much from those I date?

I think I will take time now to get to know people before jumping. Maybe it's just that I jump too fast. And then later regret it. But I don't really regret anything that happened in the past two months with the scientist; in my mind it just didn't work out. He irritates the fuck out of me right now... did I already mention that? Haha.

I have been spending more time lately with the boy. Every time I do I am reminded of why I am not with him. It's a nice friendship we have. We are ridiculously used to each other's presence. I forgot how reassuring that could be... even if it is purely platonic now.

I'm not interested in any more relationships at the moment. I just want to meet people and have fun. I am feeling selfish and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. I lack the patience for being with another person and there isn't any person in particular I want to be with, so why rush or bother? I enjoy my single life. I am not sitting here crying because I don't have a date... I am living because I don't have any :) Yay singles!

What's the biggest leap of faith you've ever had to take?

Hahaha I answered this question only because last year I answered a very similar one. The biggest leap of faith I had to take... was probably trusting the boy with my heart around this time last year.

And it's over between us but in the end, I'm glad I took that risk because now I look back and I can honestly say that on my part I tried and I don't regret anything about our relationship.

p.s. As a side note, I'm not with the scientist anymore. Long story to follow. I feel like my love life has been very adventurous in the past year and I'm proud of myself for adventuring.

Today, actually, this whole week, I could not stop thinking about the boy. I mean really thinking about him.

I feel like when I was with the boy I lost sight of who I was before I was with him, who I was while I was with him, and after we ended things, I began to have confidence in my identity again. And I don't know if I can blame him for losing myself. I don't think I can. It was more that we were so head-over-heels for each other that we started to almost... absorb each other's personalities. And we spent such an unhealthy amount of time together that it's a wonder we didn't lose ourselves earlier. Or at least figure out earlier that that had happened.

The scientist really annoyed the fuck out of me last week and this week. I fell so fast and now I am pulling myself up and taking a look at the situation and disliking it slightly. He tends to be over-analytical (haha, like myself) but doesn't seem to have a sense of humour about most things. And this... this does not impress me. My favourite thing about the boy and I was that we spent most of our time laughing and making jokes and doing fun things. And the thing I admired most about him was that he was just himself without any apologies; he wasn't lacking self-confidence by any means. And I know that above all this is a quality that I look for most in men. And thus far I have only been able to find it in a few.

The scientist so far last week has shown me an inability to relax and let things go, a lack of a sense of humour, and that he isn't all that self-confident. I'm starting to be unimpressed and now I am thinking too much about the situation. My mom tells me to use my heart instead of my head because I can tend to be a bit too sensible, but I can't help it. I just do not feel the same about him this week.

I will try to be optimistic about it. But it's pretty much the most irritating thing in the world when you want to move on from a certain subject and the other person just dredges it up again, and again... and again.

I also watched Juno tonight and thought it was adorable. I thought of the boy the entire time while watching it. When will he get out of my head? Soon, I hope.

What is your favorite scent or smell and why? 
Submitted by Nebraska Plates.

Fresh lilacs in May... they just smell amazing. And so hopeful for the coming season. And it's right around my birthday and the weather is usually nice and it's just a lovely time of year.

And I also like the way the scientist smells. He wears this cologne that smells crisp and clean and really sexy. I have no idea what it is. But it's nice :) I like.

Things are going well. I'm currently procrastinating. I was so driven to write this essay this morning, and then I got 'distracted' by the scientist in my bed, and then I lost all my motivation. I guess coaches are right when they encourage their players to abstain for the night before the big game.

Off I go to try to write some more paper!

This is a strange feeling for me.

I am one of those people who normally questions everything in my life, especially when it concerns my love life. I am normally never totally satisfied, never completely happy.

When I think about my past relationships, it's really a question of how I answered those questions that led me into those relationships. If I had doubts about someone I could always rationalize my way around them and give myself reasons to stay or to try harder. This is especially true when I think about my past relationships, most recently with the boy.

With the scientist... I have never had such a lack of questions before in my life. I didn't know such a feeling of sureness could exist for me in this world. I just always assumed I would be with people that I would question myself for dating. I just thought it was something you had to get over.

Right off the bat, I can name a billion qualities about the scientist that I absolutely adore. And while I am sure there are some qualities of his that I have yet to discover that I may not be terribly fond of (for example, he likes eating beans); I'm not worried. I am absolutely, head-over-heels in love with this boy. And I'm not really afraid to admit it. Sometimes when I look at him I feel like I am going to burst with what I am feeling for him.

When I am with him, even when I'm not with him and just thinking about the fact that I'm with him... things just feel right. They just feel amazing. And I just feel lucky to have found someone who seems so right for me in all the ways that are important to me. He's just a fantastic, incredible person and I can't help it... I've fallen really hard for him.

So it feels amazing when he tells me that he feels these same things about me, too. :)

I'm head over heels for this guy.

I want him to meet my parents (which is weird in itself because I never bring boys home to meet my parents unless they are relationships haha.) I want him to meet my friends. I want to make plans with him (and we do). He comes over to my house to hang out with me (which is also weird, boys never come over to my house. Ever... mainly because I don't invite them.)

And none of this is scary. Or weird. It's just... it's just us. And it's fast, and sudden, and absolutely wonderful.