23 posts tagged “self”

I remember being in grade 12 in high school, looking outside and seeing it was gorgeous weather, and being confined to my basement (where my computer was located) to finish a huge biology project on evolution. I became a believer of evolutionist theory that weekend, but I also remember distinctly aching for the school year to be done. The moment when it finally hit me that I was ready to be finished with high school, a feeling that was relatively delayed (relative to the way my peers were feeling).

The same sort of feeling just hit me about university. I think I am ready to be done with my undergraduate career and move on to new things in my life - new challenges and opportunities. I am finishing school in less than 3 weeks. My last few weeks of classes at this institution I've learned to call home for the past 4 years. I can't believe it. I've spent years in educational settings dreaming of the life I would have when I would be done with elementary school, then high school, then university. And now I'm standing on the doorstep.

This feeling is incredibly powerful. I'm looking forward to a busy summer: in April, down south for a week, in June, my RN exam, last regatta as coach for my university crew, and Europe for 6-7 weeks. In August, camping in northern Ontario for 7 days and 6 nights. And in September, working full-time.

I am nothing but thrilled and excited to get out there and live in the real world.

I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl. I drank too much tequila too fast - I don't remember how much I drank. I stumbled off to my bed fairly early.

I spent the day in bed, unable to keep any food or liquid in my stomach for more than 10 minutes before having to run off to the bathroom again. The mother of all hangovers. Not a headache-y feeling but the worst nausea. And I couldn't even stand up without feeling it. My favourite nurses (both drinking last night with me... except I was so drunk I couldn't go to the bar last night) both called me today to make sure I was still alive.

I don't know why I do that - I felt the need to get horribly drunk last night and be completely self-destructive. It's so strange how I run from polar opposites. Sometimes I am so confident and my self-esteem skyrockets, but then I have incidences like last night where I feel so shoddy about myself that I try to self-destruct. Oh boy, did I ever.

I don't understand myself sometimes.

Tonight I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I remember the first time I ever saw it was with the boy and I remember giggling at the happy memories Joel has with Clementine, because they reminded me of the happy times I had with the boy. After watching it I felt lonely. I still feel lonely. Maybe because I see the relationship my nursing friend has with her significant other and I love them together. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who clicks with me. Who gets me.

I thought I had found that with the boy and that's why I put up with so much shit from him. Watching that movie tonight reminds me that I don't regret having dated him for so long nor do I regret it ending. It happened that way and I doubt that even if we had started again things would not be different. I love this movie. I wish I could just move on from my relationship with the boy.

It has occurred to me recently that maybe I am not over him yet and this is so frustrating. How long will it be before I stop trying to date people who are his polar opposite? Lately all I've been dating are guys with good credentials. The good on paper guys. The guys who are excelling in school, join all sorts of things, etc. I don't bother getting to know them as much as I'd rather know their credentials first. But with the boy, he caught me off guard. I knew him first. I don't do that anymore. Why?

My thoughts are everywhere tonight. I am so tired.

I looked at pictures of myself recently and I am so unhappy with my body image. I have always felt better naked than clothed but recently... I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight this year and I'm really unhappy about that. I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating healthier but that doesn't really seem to be helping much so far? I don't know how or why this has struck me now in this way.

Suffice to say that right now I am frustrated with myself in more than one way. Dammit.

How did you create your username for VOX? What influenced your decision?
Submitted by Strive2Be.

Haha, it's just my nickname... what everyone calls me. I was surprised it was still available actually, since I don't have this as a username on any other site except maybe some forums.

As an aside, I've been pretty busy lately. The scientist has done nothing but annoy me from the moment I broke it off... I don't know what it is. I have been pondering lately what this says about my personality; am I a bad person to be so fickle with my feelings? Am I too hopeful at the start of relationships, only to have them fail because of flaws in the other person? Am I too picky, asking for too much from those I date?

I think I will take time now to get to know people before jumping. Maybe it's just that I jump too fast. And then later regret it. But I don't really regret anything that happened in the past two months with the scientist; in my mind it just didn't work out. He irritates the fuck out of me right now... did I already mention that? Haha.

I have been spending more time lately with the boy. Every time I do I am reminded of why I am not with him. It's a nice friendship we have. We are ridiculously used to each other's presence. I forgot how reassuring that could be... even if it is purely platonic now.

I'm not interested in any more relationships at the moment. I just want to meet people and have fun. I am feeling selfish and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. I lack the patience for being with another person and there isn't any person in particular I want to be with, so why rush or bother? I enjoy my single life. I am not sitting here crying because I don't have a date... I am living because I don't have any :) Yay singles!

Lately I've discovered a new boredom with the men in my life. I'm simply not interested in anyone at the moment and it's a really new, strange feeling.

I've realized how difficult it is to be intrigued by people you meet. I mean, I try. I make conversation and I try to get to know people, but it's like once they tell me their life story I'm bored. Some guys are just terrible at conversation. I mean, that Chinese guy I went on a few dates with bored me by the third one. How do you run out of conversation after three dates?! Most of the time I was asking all the questions, and when I ran out it's like the conversation came to a standstill and all he could talk to me about were the t.v. shows he liked to watch. Boooooring. It's like he had yet to discover a life outside television.

I'm not used to not having someone to pursue or who is in the midst of pursuing me. But it seems that this is where my life is right now and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand I sort of feel a little taken aback and uncomfortable, almost like I am undesirable. So it makes me question a lot of things about myself, like how I feel about my personal appearance, etc. A bonus is that I have a lot more time to think about school and focus on my extracurricular activities like coaching and running my political advocacy group.

In high school I had a slight obsession with my weight at one point and I can feel that issue resurfacing again. I'm about 7lbs away from my happy weight, and this is a result of a 10lb weight gain since the summer. I'm watching what I eat again and exercising like crazy so here's hoping that the weight drops off. I would love for my jeans to fit the same way again. People aren't noticing a difference (i.e. my current roommate and former roommate) but I personally can feel it and I'm not comfortable.

I randomly messaged the boy yesterday. I never talk to him anymore and the random run-ins with him around campus and our neighbourhood have stopped almost completely, which is nice to an extent. I'm not sure why I messaged him. Our conversation was stilted and slightly awkward.
Some part of me misses him.
I am trying not to miss him.

But these past couple of weeks have been hard, and coming up is November which is never a good month for me. I have trouble dealing with life, period, in November and for the past three Novembers I've always had him around to pull me up. Next month should be interesting. Expect a lot of angsty posting.

God. I think I'm about done here. I'm too exhausted to think anymore. I'm going to go fill my head with thoughts of schooling and extracurricular activities and exhaust my body physically by working out. Yay!

Remember that date I talked about earlier last week?

I went on another date with him a couple of days later, we went and practiced salsa dancing in a dance studio and then chilled out. I saw him again on Thursday night. I drank too much, let him walk me home, and kissed him good night.

I'm losing interest already.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I am simply not interested in relationships. At all. I just want to date people, flirt for a bit, have a good time and then leave. I am not sure if there is anything wrong with that. I keep judging myself for doing this to people, for being like this.

I am no longer attracted to that boy who - just over a week ago - I said I could not stop smiling about. The other night when he kissed me, I felt nothing. No butterflies, nothing. It was just a kiss.

It's sad when that happens. Like the romance of it disappears (after a week? A new record for me.). I am just not attracted to him anymore. And we still have a date for next week. God. I hope that isn't awkward. I'm pretty sure he's into relationships. I'm not into relationships at the moment. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I've been in relationships for my whole dating career (er, life?) and I am sick of them. I am tired of being in relationships.

So... I am thrilled by this prospect of dating. Several people. In the following months. I can't wait. God, I love the single life... maybe a little too much?

Anyway. Off to get on with my Thanksgiving weekend.

Whenever I see pictures of myself in a bathing suit, my self-esteem plummets.

Don't get me wrong, I love my body. I'm healthy, I exercise regularly (when it's not summer) and I am pretty athletic. I love running and hardcore training (gym x6 days a week; haven't done that for a month!) and I am pretty satisfied with the way I look in my clothes and the way I look naked. I'm not afraid to wear certain items because I'm afraid I'll look fat.

Regardless, I hate seeing pictures of myself in a bathing suit especially when I've unfortunately had bad posture at the time or something or other. I loathe it.

God I wish I could get over myself but it doesn't look like that will happen anytime soon.

I move back to school today so it's the start of eating healthy and pushing my body to its limits again... I slacked off in the past month and I can see the results. I gained 7 pounds back and I'm really unhappy with the way I feel about that.

In a world when I'm not supposed to be weight-obsessed I'm more obsessed than ever.

So last week, the boy randomly messaged me and said "Well, it's been a while since we've talked." No shit, buddy, maybe, because ummm... I don't know, you fucked another girl while you were still with me at the tail end of a 3-year relationship. Really. Come on.

I kept the chatter to non-personal subjects like baseball, and briefly showed off how my life is glorious without him in it.

At the end of the conversation (after I've said I have to go) he pauses for a moment and then asks me out for a drink, to "catch up". Excuse me? When did you get the impression that you deserve to be a part of my life? That you deserve to know what is going on in my life? You don't get that right, motherfucker. Not at all.

I told him I am too busy for the rest of the summer.

I still couldn't tell him to just fuck off.

Letgoletgoletgoletgoletgo. I am consciously trying so hard and it hurts me when I notice that there are still parts of me that are not yet able to let go. How long does it take to get over a 3 year relationship? Hopefully sooner than I think.

This week I have been realizing how many issues I have with myself, and I have begun to realize that I do not want to be in a relationship, or date people, when even I am not okay with myself. I need to be okay before I get involved. A long chat with O this week (2 different restaurants, 5-6 hours and Second Cup)

Let's be frank. I'm definitely not over the boy yet. He did a lot of damage to me emotionally and it wasn't just the fact that he cheated rather than had the balls to tell me straight up he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was, in addition to that, the way he wore down my self-esteem, telling me that I wasn't good enough, in this way or that way. I'm angry with him, yes, for treating me like that, but more than that, I am angry with myself for having lived with it for so long and just succumbing to whatever he said. I like to think of myself as relatively intelligent and I'm really just pissed that I let him wear down my self-esteem and confidence like that. I have to deal with my anger towards myself.

It's not just that, either. For years, pretty much since the first boy I ever loved and I broke up, I have always chosen to date or be in relationships with boys who I feel (at the time) are a "safe bet". The ones who aren't going to leave me. I think why I do this is obvious. I'm scared of being the one whose heart will be broken. I think the reason I am able to be happy so soon after the boy is because I knew he wasn't right for me from the beginning. I told O this right from the start and he often reminds me that I stayed anyway, knowing he wasn't right for me.

So maybe it's my own fault that this relationship was dragged out and beaten to death before I was willing to give up. BFF says that I would have regretted not giving it my all and it's true. I just wish I had chosen to give it my all for someone who appreciated it and who was right for me at least at some point in time.

Because now, I'm tired. I'm exhausted, in fact. The thought of sharing my life with another person feels like it would be the worst possible idea simply because I had such a bad experience with it. My relationship with the boy was more like me taking care of him full-time and it was the most draining relationship experience I've ever had.

So, at the beginning of summer I proposed staying single until the end of summer. Since then I have had several boy-drama encounters, things that started up and then I decided I didn't want to date anyone, etc., etc. (Though I did end up getting some action, which made me realize that I missed the boy because we were SO good together in bed even if he was a bit on the dull side, and that porn has taught men nothing about what kind of motions women may enjoy in their nether-regions.) My new proposal (more like an addendum to my previous proposal) is that I will aim not to date anyone else for the rest of summer, but only get to know people and meet as many new people as possible.

I feel like this is going to really help me be okay with all my issues. And then when I'm okay, I will think again about dating.

So there has been a realization that has been growing in my mind and gnawing at my conscience for the past few months and I am going to write it down here to see how it looks and sounds and whether or not it fits.

I think I have a problem.

Last night, yet again, I got drunk. I mean, really, really drunk. It was one of my high school boyfriends' birthday and he had a house party, which I attended after a 2-hour paddling practice. (I also missed dinner). I had a few shots of vodka, then tequila, and there was no stopping me. Pretty soon I was hammered out of my mind and a couple of hours later I was throwing up in the bushes outside.

I am not proud of what I did. I am not proud of my drinking habits.

I used to drink socially, to catch a slight buzz and enjoy myself at a party, feel a little light-headed and relaxed, but it was never anything major. More and more I notice that when I drink, my new goal is to escape. To feel numb. To not feel anything at all beyond absolutely out of control and therefore in control.

It started with the boy. I remember clearly how he used to complain that I didn't let loose enough. By 'let loose' he of course meant get absolutely hammered and do drugs, etc., things that he and his friends considered cool. It became my way of trying to fit in. I'd get drunk almost to defy him and show him that I could do it. A horrible, terrible reason but it was my reason nonetheless. It happened.

Several times in the past few months I have caught myself longing for an alcoholic drink, or seven, just so I can feel numb to the truths I am starting to discover about myself. I hate this new attitude I have discovered about myself. I hate these new cravings for alcohol and the thoughts that accompany them. I don't want to believe that my chosen escape route is alcohol, but more and more often it is.

I can't even blame it completely on the boy, as much as I would love to. It does give me one more reason to not regret the end of our relationship, the fact that I feel so much less pressure to try hard drugs and hallucinogens. I already smoke once in a while but it's nothing huge (haha, that's what I once said about drinking... and here we are).

I'm upset with myself and I am going to try to discontinue this new escape route. I think though right now I need a good conversation with best friend. I just can't think straight right now so this post is really disorganized. Gasoirjapoifmapodijrare.