12 posts tagged “sucks”

I am exhausted.

I am also frustrated in both my personal and professional life.

Personally, I am annoyed by all the assumptions that people make in life. I acted friendly towards a male friend of mine (the same way I always did), and all of a sudden this became misconstrued for romantic interest and he is now giving me the cold shoulder, I presume in an effort to deter me from my supposed affections. I don't have time for immaturity like this. Get over yourself. I'm just being friendly. I am not interested in romance at this point in my life.

Professionally, I had a rough night at the hospital. I was supposed to be shadowing on labour and delivery last night. I helped with one natural delivery at around 9:30pm. Afterwards I was not allowed into the next delivery because it was so crowded in the room and the birth became a little complicated. The nurse I was shadowing told me to go for break early because I was looking pretty pale and was feeling exhausted. I went to go lie down. She came in at 3am and told me to keep sleeping despite the fact that someone was giving birth. I got sent home early.

I came home and felt pissed off with myself and the whole situation for about an hour and a half. I am still not too happy about the way that went. I am completely turned off by labour and delivery and don't even want to think about working in that sector of the hospital. I don't understand why the nurses there were so unfriendly. I felt useless and ignored the entire time I was there. Fuck.

The older generation of nurses shouldn't complain about being short-staffed when they treat students and potential new workers like shit when they come on the ward. No, I have not nursed for 20+ years the way you have, so no, I don't know my way around your unit and no, I don't know what you normally do here. How am I supposed to learn when none of you are friendly or even make the slightest concession to notice me? Get outta here.

What have you tried in life that you just weren't very good at?

Haha, this could be a whole number of things. Basketball - I'm terrible at basketball. I don't know what it is, I just lack the coordination for it.

The other thing I'm pretty bad at are multiple-choice tests. I'm terrible at taking exams and tests. I just get so nervous. And I don't enjoy learning information that way. I'd rather write essays and apply what I've learned, or learn through experience, than learn by being tested.

I'll have to learn to be good at them though... with my RN exam coming up in June. (Two more weeks of classes, then I'm done with my undergraduate degree!)

I'm also terrible at chemistry. In high school it was by far my worst subject. I'm also not good at maths that don't have a practical application, like calculus. If I don't understand the point of it I won't do well... haha :) I do well at things I enjoy though, and I'm pretty open to trying everything!

I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl. I drank too much tequila too fast - I don't remember how much I drank. I stumbled off to my bed fairly early.

I spent the day in bed, unable to keep any food or liquid in my stomach for more than 10 minutes before having to run off to the bathroom again. The mother of all hangovers. Not a headache-y feeling but the worst nausea. And I couldn't even stand up without feeling it. My favourite nurses (both drinking last night with me... except I was so drunk I couldn't go to the bar last night) both called me today to make sure I was still alive.

I don't know why I do that - I felt the need to get horribly drunk last night and be completely self-destructive. It's so strange how I run from polar opposites. Sometimes I am so confident and my self-esteem skyrockets, but then I have incidences like last night where I feel so shoddy about myself that I try to self-destruct. Oh boy, did I ever.

I don't understand myself sometimes.

Tonight I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. I remember the first time I ever saw it was with the boy and I remember giggling at the happy memories Joel has with Clementine, because they reminded me of the happy times I had with the boy. After watching it I felt lonely. I still feel lonely. Maybe because I see the relationship my nursing friend has with her significant other and I love them together. I want to find someone who is right for me. Who clicks with me. Who gets me.

I thought I had found that with the boy and that's why I put up with so much shit from him. Watching that movie tonight reminds me that I don't regret having dated him for so long nor do I regret it ending. It happened that way and I doubt that even if we had started again things would not be different. I love this movie. I wish I could just move on from my relationship with the boy.

It has occurred to me recently that maybe I am not over him yet and this is so frustrating. How long will it be before I stop trying to date people who are his polar opposite? Lately all I've been dating are guys with good credentials. The good on paper guys. The guys who are excelling in school, join all sorts of things, etc. I don't bother getting to know them as much as I'd rather know their credentials first. But with the boy, he caught me off guard. I knew him first. I don't do that anymore. Why?

My thoughts are everywhere tonight. I am so tired.

I looked at pictures of myself recently and I am so unhappy with my body image. I have always felt better naked than clothed but recently... I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight this year and I'm really unhappy about that. I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating healthier but that doesn't really seem to be helping much so far? I don't know how or why this has struck me now in this way.

Suffice to say that right now I am frustrated with myself in more than one way. Dammit.

So there has been a realization that has been growing in my mind and gnawing at my conscience for the past few months and I am going to write it down here to see how it looks and sounds and whether or not it fits.

I think I have a problem.

Last night, yet again, I got drunk. I mean, really, really drunk. It was one of my high school boyfriends' birthday and he had a house party, which I attended after a 2-hour paddling practice. (I also missed dinner). I had a few shots of vodka, then tequila, and there was no stopping me. Pretty soon I was hammered out of my mind and a couple of hours later I was throwing up in the bushes outside.

I am not proud of what I did. I am not proud of my drinking habits.

I used to drink socially, to catch a slight buzz and enjoy myself at a party, feel a little light-headed and relaxed, but it was never anything major. More and more I notice that when I drink, my new goal is to escape. To feel numb. To not feel anything at all beyond absolutely out of control and therefore in control.

It started with the boy. I remember clearly how he used to complain that I didn't let loose enough. By 'let loose' he of course meant get absolutely hammered and do drugs, etc., things that he and his friends considered cool. It became my way of trying to fit in. I'd get drunk almost to defy him and show him that I could do it. A horrible, terrible reason but it was my reason nonetheless. It happened.

Several times in the past few months I have caught myself longing for an alcoholic drink, or seven, just so I can feel numb to the truths I am starting to discover about myself. I hate this new attitude I have discovered about myself. I hate these new cravings for alcohol and the thoughts that accompany them. I don't want to believe that my chosen escape route is alcohol, but more and more often it is.

I can't even blame it completely on the boy, as much as I would love to. It does give me one more reason to not regret the end of our relationship, the fact that I feel so much less pressure to try hard drugs and hallucinogens. I already smoke once in a while but it's nothing huge (haha, that's what I once said about drinking... and here we are).

I'm upset with myself and I am going to try to discontinue this new escape route. I think though right now I need a good conversation with best friend. I just can't think straight right now so this post is really disorganized. Gasoirjapoifmapodijrare.

So all I can think about right now is how badly I don't want to be here. I'm studying for my last exam of third year... a course entitled "Canadian Public Policy".

I know nothing about politics and this is an introductory course. Oh yes, I'm doing all the course readings now.
Fantastic, I know.

Okay... going to go bury myself in the 3rd of about 6-7 units I am going to learn really well :(
I need to do relatively well on this exam too, but I'm in that depressed mode where I am just so sick of school and can't wait for it to freakin' end already.

Let's goooooooo!!! END! FINISH! PLEASE!!! Oh Lord I'm terrified of this exam.

Warning: I'm just going to let off some steam and work through some issues here.

My anger with the Boy comes and goes. It's over, and he's no longer mine, and I've accepted that and mourned that and gotten past wishing that we were still together. I do not have fantasies about getting back together with him, nor do I want to. So it's not really wanting him back that I have issues with. The main thing I have issues with right now is the way it ended. Oh yeah, and the whole thing where he acts like a complete asshole and I'm still taking this kind of attitude from him.

For the first week, he was remorseful and really angry at himself, and terribly apologetic towards me. In these past two weeks he's started to talk to me more and more like he used to while we were together. And part of the problem is that most often I let him because I think it makes him feel better and sometimes I honestly don't mind. (Let's clarify: he has no other friends besides me that know him well enough to be there for him after something like this.) But it's started to bother me. I don't want him to be able to have me like this. He fucked himself over when he did this to me... regardless of whether or not our relationship was going to work out anyway, this is a serious betrayal and I don't think I can forgive him just yet.

I'm really angry. It takes me a long time to get angry, and it's something that usually builds up for me. I am furious with him and with myself. I am furious with him for not being a good person. Let's define 'good' as someone I want to be friends with... this is my personal judgment of good. For a long time I let myself think that maybe he was a good person who just fucked things up. And people can do that... everyone can do that. Everyone can make a mistake. And maybe he just made a really big mistake. After it happened and he told me (which was right away), he behaved like a good person. He was really sorry. He was really upset with himself, etc.

Earlier this past week he told me "I think I'm ready to be friends with you." I'm sorry, but really? Good people don't think that way. A good person would consider how I'd feel and ask me first. They would still be remorseful three weeks after betraying a 2.5 year relationship that was ridiculously close-knit.

We owned two pet turtles together. I asked him what he wanted to do with them and he said he wanted them. Which happened to be a problem because I wanted them too. So I told him the only real solution to this was to split them up. I told him I would be taking back the small aquarium, the small filter (he is keeping the large one), the floating island, the heater, and my lamp (that he broke). He mentioned that he would not have time to get a new heater or lamp for the other turtle. My resentment was growing by the second during this conversation. Then I said that I would come by on Friday morning to pick it up. His response was "I can't, I'm busy." Which is fine and dandy, but let's remember who hurt who here. The least he could have said was "does this other time work for you?" or maybe "I can ask someone else to let you in."

I was pissed. I said I would ask his other housemates to let me in to get all of the things. And then I blocked him. I don't know why I didn't do it earlier. I don't think he deserves to see what goes on in my life as detailed by MSN names and changes in my display picture. I don't want to give him an inch. I don't want him in my life right now. I want to stop hurting from his insensitivity and idiocy.

Phew.

I am furious with myself for thinking that he was a good person. I'm really angry that I didn't have a good judgment, that I was so entrenched in this relationship that I couldn't be objective. It's only now that I realize how poorly I was treated in there. And yet I hung in there trying to make it work.

Sometimes I am far too stubborn for my own good.

The day we actually broke up because he full out cheated on me with her.

You slutty bitch!

Holy fuck... get the fuck away from my boyfriend. There's obviously a reason he's with me, and despite your months of attempting to convince him to be otherwise, he's still fucking here. With me. Wanting... ME.

So go fuck yourself.

What was the one toy you wanted as a kid that your parents never bought you?
Submitted by Princess of Darkness.

Barbie's dream house. I had all the other Barbie accessories except that and the car. Damn... Barbie was my life back in the day.

In other news, still feeling emo and angsty about how my life sucks because Boy is emotionally involved with another female and he refuses to admit that he is. But I perceive differences in the way our relationship works and I personally believe that's what it is.

How can you pursue a friendship with someone you have crush on (i.e. start to develop a relationship) while you're still involved with someone else?! Cruel, cruel and unusual. I'm hurting pretty fucking bad over here. And it sucks to hurt this bad. And the thing is, we aren't broken up yet. And the stupid-er thing is, I still want him. And I no longer know if it's because I'm afraid of being alone, or if it's because I'm afraid of not being with him... I don't know what it is. But I do know I still want him. And if this doesn't work out I'm going to be in even more pain than I am now. Shitty.

It kills me a little to come here and see those pictures I posted of us while we were happy, that brief moment when our relationship was still about us and wasn't about everyone else. Fuck.

I know this is going to sound incredibly jaded, but in life, maybe it's not worth trusting people because they'll just bail on you anyway.

Boy and I are not going to see each other all week. I am nervous and I think it might be the end, which is sad. I don't really want it to end. I had just gotten comfortable with his being the one I want to be with for a long time. And just when I get comfortable with that, something else has to come and fuck it all up for me.

I hate that he wants to keep his 'thing' with her even though he knows there's a spark there. It hurts me to no end knowing that he does things with her that he used to do with me. Stupid little things like watching movies, going out to wing night, and watching certain television shows. How the fuck is that fair to me? HOW THE FUCK IS IT FAIR?! And sure, there's nothing sexual going on. But the flirtation with her, the spending time alone with her, it feels like he's emotionally cheating on me.

I'm upset beyond belief. I don't know what to do. And the worst of it is that I have no control because I want him. I want him so bad. And he doesn't know what he wants. So what do I do? I wallow. Fuck.