3 posts tagged “things i've tried”

This morning I was reading a quote from Emily Gould on her experiences in the blog world and difficulties establishing boundaries. The thing that struck me most was that I used to be like that.

When I was in high school, blogging (but we called it scribbling) became a part of my daily routine. I started my own blog on the now-defunct scribble.nu and updated it almost daily. My readers were my friends, but I also gained a lot of followers on the Internet and through the blogging community on scribble. When I look back at those entries that I was able to archive (I lost a huge amount of them when scribble went down without warning), I am mostly amazed that I was able to write so candidly about my life as it happened.

Everything got recorded, from who I was hanging out with to my feelings on the boys I was dating at the time. Scribble had a convenient password-protection system, which was really nice. When I wanted to write something for only a few friends, I was able to do so.

I am not sure what started to change about that. When scribble got shut down about 3/4 of the way through high school, I didn't want to resurrect a blog elsewhere. It didn't feel right, even though I tried a few times, but I soon lost interest. I lost interest in having everyone know the intimate details of my life, people who didn't really bother to try to be my friend in real life.

But I began to develop this itch to write somewhere, to express myself, and I discovered livejournal. Those entries are still up for viewing, most of them public. They can be viewed here. I am not sure why I am linking this now, I have until now wanted to keep Vox completely separate, but I'm not sure that can be done. When I started using livejournal, I decided I didn't want to use blogs as a record of my daily life, but rather, of my thoughts. I think that is when the first change in my writing happened.

So I would record things sporadically in there, only when I felt like it, and I tried really hard to keep the events in my personal life separate. I tried to avoid writing about friendships and relationships and instead focused my writing on my thoughts, dreams, and aspirations. Sounds cheesy, but that was really what I aimed for.

Here, on Vox, I have suddenly become afraid of someone reading all that I have written here. The thing is, I want everything on here to be public. I like what I have written here, the record of my thoughts and feelings. But I am afraid, too, of crossing the line. Have I shared too much about the relationships I've had in the past year? The people I have developed relationships with? Is their privacy on the line? I've tried to protect them by using false names but I'm not sure how far that will carry. How do your significant others feel about your writing about them on the internet?

I'm not sure how my relationships would feel. Thus follows my decision to remove the pictures of myself. I feel like I want these entries to remain separate from who I am in my daily life. I want these thoughts to be separate from the life I am living, the things I do every day. It's hard to draw the line and see clearly but I am giving it a shot... we shall see how it goes.

I want to be careful to avoid dating for the purpose of filling a void in my life.

I am not going to lie, most of the time I love being single. I love that I don't have to call anyone, that I have no commitments to anyone but myself and I love the time I have to myself. It's a selfish life sometimes but I enjoy it as much as I can.

But there are these moments. These teeny, tiny, pockets of time during which I do wish I could be in a relationship with someone I could love. Who would be, in some sense, right for me. I don't know what that word means anymore. I feel like I don't know what would be right for me anymore. I had all these demands, this list, but that is not how I began any of my previous relationships.

I am tired of dating people who fit the list but are so incredibly wrong for me (which is what happened with the scientist). I am tired of only seeing the superficial things about people (i.e. career, financial status, etc.) and dating them based on these criteria. Fuck that. I want to know who people are before jumping into bed with them. (And before discovering that they are incredibly skilled and more than tolerable as lovers when your only conversation is dirty, and then having to debate breaking up with them because 'the sex is so good!')

All I am saying is that I feel like I am ready to meet someone and date them without falling into bed immediately with them, because all that does is fuck with my thoughts. All I do know is that it sucks to find out people aren't who you thought they were after you've slept with them and shared the most physically intimate parts of yourselves. I'm done with that phase of my life (hopefully). Let's just hope my hormones remember this train of thought after a few drinks in the presence of some incredibly sexy men.

What have you tried in life that you just weren't very good at?

Haha, this could be a whole number of things. Basketball - I'm terrible at basketball. I don't know what it is, I just lack the coordination for it.

The other thing I'm pretty bad at are multiple-choice tests. I'm terrible at taking exams and tests. I just get so nervous. And I don't enjoy learning information that way. I'd rather write essays and apply what I've learned, or learn through experience, than learn by being tested.

I'll have to learn to be good at them though... with my RN exam coming up in June. (Two more weeks of classes, then I'm done with my undergraduate degree!)

I'm also terrible at chemistry. In high school it was by far my worst subject. I'm also not good at maths that don't have a practical application, like calculus. If I don't understand the point of it I won't do well... haha :) I do well at things I enjoy though, and I'm pretty open to trying everything!