8 posts tagged “wants”

I want to fall in love with someone and grow to love them for who they are. I want to love someone's good side, and learn all about their flaws, and yet continue to love them anyway. I want to find someone who will love me in the same way.

I want to be best friends with someone and yet be in love with them and love them, all at the same time because these things all have different meanings to me. I want someone to understand that these things all have different meanings to me.

I want to fall in love with someone who gets why I love the Beatles and Lily Allen and the Libertines. I want someone who thinks of me sometimes and gets that I am not about roses or big romantic gestures, but that I love small gestures that demonstrate thoughtfulness. Like making me breakfast after a rough night writing an essay. Or sending me a quick text to say hi.

I want a lot of things but I feel like knowing what I want is more than half the battle.

This week I have been realizing how many issues I have with myself, and I have begun to realize that I do not want to be in a relationship, or date people, when even I am not okay with myself. I need to be okay before I get involved. A long chat with O this week (2 different restaurants, 5-6 hours and Second Cup)

Let's be frank. I'm definitely not over the boy yet. He did a lot of damage to me emotionally and it wasn't just the fact that he cheated rather than had the balls to tell me straight up he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. It was, in addition to that, the way he wore down my self-esteem, telling me that I wasn't good enough, in this way or that way. I'm angry with him, yes, for treating me like that, but more than that, I am angry with myself for having lived with it for so long and just succumbing to whatever he said. I like to think of myself as relatively intelligent and I'm really just pissed that I let him wear down my self-esteem and confidence like that. I have to deal with my anger towards myself.

It's not just that, either. For years, pretty much since the first boy I ever loved and I broke up, I have always chosen to date or be in relationships with boys who I feel (at the time) are a "safe bet". The ones who aren't going to leave me. I think why I do this is obvious. I'm scared of being the one whose heart will be broken. I think the reason I am able to be happy so soon after the boy is because I knew he wasn't right for me from the beginning. I told O this right from the start and he often reminds me that I stayed anyway, knowing he wasn't right for me.

So maybe it's my own fault that this relationship was dragged out and beaten to death before I was willing to give up. BFF says that I would have regretted not giving it my all and it's true. I just wish I had chosen to give it my all for someone who appreciated it and who was right for me at least at some point in time.

Because now, I'm tired. I'm exhausted, in fact. The thought of sharing my life with another person feels like it would be the worst possible idea simply because I had such a bad experience with it. My relationship with the boy was more like me taking care of him full-time and it was the most draining relationship experience I've ever had.

So, at the beginning of summer I proposed staying single until the end of summer. Since then I have had several boy-drama encounters, things that started up and then I decided I didn't want to date anyone, etc., etc. (Though I did end up getting some action, which made me realize that I missed the boy because we were SO good together in bed even if he was a bit on the dull side, and that porn has taught men nothing about what kind of motions women may enjoy in their nether-regions.) My new proposal (more like an addendum to my previous proposal) is that I will aim not to date anyone else for the rest of summer, but only get to know people and meet as many new people as possible.

I feel like this is going to really help me be okay with all my issues. And then when I'm okay, I will think again about dating.

So, I've met this guy. His name is pretty ordinary, but he most definitely is not just ordinary.

I actually met him a few years ago, but I didn't know him, really, until recently, and by recently I mean within the past month at dragon boat practices. He's a recent grad.

Earlier this year, I made myself a mental list of the things I wanted (and still want) in a man. The boy didn't really fulfill many of those things but clearly that didn't stop me from staying with him and trying so hard to make the relationship work (even though a part of me knew I didn't want him in the end). So when we broke up, I became one of those girls who knew what they wanted.

And this guy, with the ordinary name, he is so many of the things on my list. And it's not an easy list to fulfill many items on. It's pretty ambitious, if I do say so myself. And I see 90% of my list in him. Which is huge. Enormous, actually. I have a pretty major liking for this guy.

Except. I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks because my paddling season with that particular team has ended. Also, there is a slight complication in that he graduated this year and will be departing overseas for a two-year master's degree. So there will be no relationship, because I don't believe in long distance unless you are ready to be really serious about someone. Which I am not. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who was that far away, and keep them in a long-distance relationship. I would hate to have to worry about that.

I don't even care that he's leaving or that it means we won't have a relationship because there is no time. I just want to know him. I've never known this kind of feeling before. All I want to do, is know him. Get to know him. At least be good friends with him. I just want to be in his circle.

It's so frustrating, these feelings, because I don't even know if I will get that far with him. Afasoidfnpaodnfpaiehrpawndf! Off I go to bed dreaming of the man of my dreams.

So on Saturday at my regatta, I flirted with a cute boy. We talked in sexual innuendos. As in we talked very graphically about sex without actually using sexual terms. It was hot. By the end of the day I definitely had a thing going for him.

Two nights ago I dreamed that he and I had sex. And in my dream it was beyond fabulous. He was great.

So now, I confess. I would really love to have sex with this boy. He is smart, funny, sexy and adventurous too (from what I gathered from our conversations). But I don't want a relationship with him (or do I?). I pretty much just want to date him. He's leaving at the end of the summer anyway. So it would be fantabulous.

I'm going to flirt with him some more on Saturday. :) Hurrahhhh!!!!

God I am horny. It's funny how that is all I can think about. I go to fitness training, go to paddling practice, basically abuse the shit out of my body (after a night of hard drinking at the baseball game) and all I can think about is... not sleep, but SEX? Come on. I think it's been a little too long.

Okay, so I haven't gotten my period in over 2 months. Big deal right? I went off the pill right after the Boy and I broke up. I hope to God I am not pregnant. I don't want to contemplate having a child right now. I don't know, I don't think I would want it. I also would not want to have that Boy's baby. I'm going to stop capitalizing him. He doesn't deserve capitals.

I'm also getting pretty horny again. I don't know if this is my hormones trying to regulate themselves after the whole going off the pill thing (after having been on it for almost two years... wow), but it's really inconvenient. I spent a large part of my day fantasizing about the great sex I used to have. The boy may have been an asshole but he was, to my limited knowledge and experience, a pretty good lover. And kisser. I'd rank him first on the kissing list.

At the end of our road trip I kind of had a fling with this guy I met 4 days after the boy cheated on me. Let's call him... E. We had been flirtatiously emailing back and forth (I met him through a friend) and our schedules never coincided in Hamilton, so we had resigned ourselves to September when lo and behold, the last stop of our road trip was in his hometown. So he took me and the BFF out to the bar with a huge group of his friends (his going-away party, he is in Guatemala until June, volunteering) and we kind of flung. It was nice.

I hope he doesn't have expectations. But it was great to know that I can still get some if I so desire.

I sound like a snob but I'm not really. It was a mutual thing. I wish that I could have guilt-free sex without a relationship coming first, but I would never be able to do that to myself. I need the relationship, the closeness, in order to be able to be physically intimate with someone. I can't do that side of the whole Sex-and-the-City thing. I can however overanalyze my relationships to a disgusting degree, hah.

I should be in bed. But when I lie in this bed I think about the things I would like to have done to me. Right now. By a gorgeous male who exists purely in my imagination because I can't tolerate a relationship right now. God... it's like my body wants to make this 'summer of singledom' as difficult as possible for me. Oh yes, I've decided to do that. Stay single for the summer. Let's see how it pans out. I've made it through May so far. Hurrah!

Never an easy thing, first off.

How do I get over a 2.5 year relationship? How do I get past the "long-term relationship" mode that I've been in for so damn fucking long? God I wish I had answers.

My mom says to stay as busy as possible and I am. I'm paddling this year for a premier crew (officially now) which practices 3x a week. I coach my university crew's practices once a week. I'm excited for summer. I'm excited for my future which potentially holds a visit to Vienna with my BFF (who will be doing exchange there), Malaysia 2008 (world club crew championships) and a cruise with my former fellow band geeks from my high school.

Cut to a different story for a second. For the last few weeks I've been feeling the effects of going off the pill and no regular sex. Hence my hormones all out of whack and my ridiculous cravings for sex. Well last week I met up with this guy I'd met earlier at school (approximately 4 days after the breakup) and we went out, and I didn't sleep with him (I don't think I have the conscience for that). But he made me feel beautiful and pretty and wanted. And he made me realize that all the things I loved about the Boy are pretty fucking common in a lot of other folks. So I am not sure what is going on in my brain with regards to that guy. He's off volunteering for a month in Guatemala.

Anyway back to the other story. This morning I spent an hour talking to the Boy after a couple of weeks of not talking to him and for some reason I was irresistably curious about his life, what was going on, etc. Apparently he's going to a lot of baseball games this summer which could prove awkward as I was planning on the same. I wish he would get his own damn ideas. Whenever I wanted to do this last summer he would always say he wasn't feeling like it. It's MY TURF dammit!!!

I cleaned out my closet and found emails that I had printed out from one of my ex-boyfriends in high school... also known as the only fucker who has ever broken my heart (even the Boy didn't manage that one, hah!). And I realized that all this time I wanted the Boy to treat me as well as my first heartbreak did (well, before he broke my heart). And he never did, and never could. And I don't know why I put up with it for so long. It's like I forgot what I was worth.

I swear to God I will not let myself be treated like this, chained down and put down like this ever again. I feel like it's something I need to promise myself. No one would tell me to leave but I had the power to do it and didn't recognize how shitty I was being treated.

I just want to find someone that I can love, and who can and will love me, and not be afraid to show me that.

I'm not even a month out of my last relationship and I. Am. So. Fucking. Horny.

You would not believe how horny I am. I've been getting action regularly for the past two and a half years. Two and a half weeks and I'm already throwing in the towel? I suck at self-control and restraint.

Restraint. How hot. I really miss the sexual part of my relationship. I don't think that has anything to do with the Boy himself and more to do with the fact that a) I'm off the pill, which is ultimately making me more horny than I've been in a year and a half, and b) I've stopped getting action.

Not to mention that I am unable to stay single for long. I irritate myself. I overanalyze and overthink, just like my good friend... let's call him 'O'. O and I think the same way and this is why we will never date and why there is zero tension between us (on my part anyway). We've already figured each other out and that makes us boring.

Anyhoo, I'm going through my old high school crushes and realizing that O was really good friends with one of my high school crushes. This guy, let's call him... A. A shares my last name and heritage and he is also really cute. I should know, I checked him out again on facebook and was going through my yearbooks when I remembered him. He also was adorable in high school. And still looks adorable. I think I want to date A.

This is making me think about a lot of things, namely, why can't I stay single? What is wrong with me? Am I afraid of being alone? But you see, that's not it. I'm not afraid of being alone. I thought I was for a long time, but I'm really not. I got over the fear of being alone when I was in high school. I realized that I don't have to be alone unless I want to be. I'm not trying to boast, but there will always be some man who finds me attractive, who I wouldn't mind being with. So what is it with me? I'm not trying to use them, or feel flattered by their interest. I honestly don't know what it is that is wrong with me. I'm certainly not completely over the Boy yet. I mean it was 2.5 years that we spent together, and I still think about him a lot. And certainly when I think about what he did to me I still become upset.

O said to me tonight, he didn't love you. And I thought about it and I guess it is kind of true. Maybe he was just infatuated with me for a really long time. How could you (the Boy) do that to someone you love? Knowing that it is what would hurt them the most. You just don't. You can't do that to someone you love. The movies and novels tell you that it's possible, but is it? Can humans really do that? Make mistakes that are that severe?

Anyway, my point is, I'm still analyzing and trying to see what went wrong with my previous relationship. Is it at all possible that less than a month later I am ready to try a new one? I'm ready certainly to meet new people and get hit on by guys and go clubbing and be single this summer, but every vow that I've ever made to stay single has never lasted. I vowed to stay single for the 12th grade and that certainly didn't happen. I vowed when that 12th grade romance ended (for the second time, I might add) I'd stay single for my first year of university. That lasted approximately a week into university and then I met the Boy.

So, my single habits don't really last too long. I'm pretty sure this one won't hold up too long. And the thing is, I'm not a dating person. I can't do it. I'm a relationship person. If I get to know you, it's probably going somewhere, and I'm probably going to want commitment, and I'm probably going to want it to be long-term. Which brings A into the picture. O and I are going to hang out with A in about a half a month's time. We'll see what happens. But if my patterns say anything about me, I'm going to be in a relationship soon if I keep meeting new people.

I think there is something wrong with me. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't know. Every winter, I get the winter 'blues' or 'blahs' whatever you people may call it. But every year I notice it getting worse and worse. I get moments where I panic. I have moments where I just sink so deep. Unfortunately one of those moments happened tonight while I was at the Boy's house. Unfortunate. Definitely very unfortunate.

We've had enough go on these past two months that this really didn't need to happen. But it did. And he didn't know how to deal with it. He thought I was freaking out at him. But I was just having a moment of panic. What is my life? Where am I going with it? How am I going to do all these things that I need to do? What the fuck is going to happen when we go back to Hamilton tomorrow and are forced out of this little bubble that we have been living in? I'm afraid of Hamilton now. It used to be that Hamilton was my safe place but it no longer is. It's a place that holds a lot of fears for me. It's a place where I panicked and where my relationship almost ended and where I feel so alone and so dependent on him sometimes that it scares me.

I can't be dependent on him. I am so afraid of depending on other people because in the end who do you really have? Certainly not other people. Here is that leap of faith thing coming back to me again. I don't know if I have it in me to really take a leap of faith on somebody else.

And I don't know what I want at this point. I want a commitment from him. I want to know that I'm the best right now. That he doesn't think that there's anybody better out there. That I'm the one he could have the most fun with. I don't know if that's true. I don't think it is anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if we are holding on to something that we should be letting go of. And that thought terrifies me more than all the other thoughts in themselves. I don't want to think about that, to fathom that idea. What if we are? What if this is really over and I am just defying fate? Fighting it off? Can you ever really do that?

I wonder if I would be happier without him than with him. I don't know anymore. Would he be happier without me? I wonder that as well. I wish he would give me the answer to that question. I want to know that he's the happiest he could be while with me. I want want want and for the past week I've been getting those things. Those answers that I need. And tonight, for once, tonight, I didn't get them anymore. I stopped hearing all that shit. It was there for two, maybe three days and then it wasn't there anymore. What happened?

I think maybe I saw him too much. I think maybe I'm thinking too much. Fuck.